I love you Lily C

Last night as I put Lily to bed we were having a nondescript conversation when it suddenly changed to being adopted. Out of nowhere Lily said, If you adopt a baby you must really really want them. If you just get pregnant it's easy but to adopt takes so much work. I did say it isn't always easy to get pregnant but in her head it is easier than adoption. She then went on and on about the paperwork and the agency and everything else that adoption entails.

She then said that I must have really wanted her and love her so so much.

I do.

She then said I must love her more than if I had "just" got pregnant because I worked so hard to get her.

I don't know the answer to that and told her so but I told her I think I couldn't love her anymore if I tried.

She then thanked me for adopting her.

Really, she did.

Just when I think I couldn't love her anymore, not even if my life depended on it she says something like that and she eeks out just a little bit more.

Crazy little tween

♥

I adore this time of year. You see I absolutely love hearts. I know it's a peculiar thing to love but I do. Even the diamond in my engagement ring is a heart.

I also love to see the world adorned in red and pink. That is also peculiar as they are not my favourite colours.

The girls asked yesterday if they could do a love day project. I thought it was a lovely idea. Once we got to the craft store it was void of all things love related. Apparently if you craft you must be 3 months ahead of the calendar, I had to come up with a project and fast. This idea has been floating around in my head and I had planned on doing it for Easter but 2 little girls wanted a Valentines day project and I was not about to disappoint. And I didn't even get this off of Pinterest, it's from my head.

Here are our supplies
Skinny sticks ~ we stopped at the park on the way home and picked these up.
Floral foam
wooden hearts
spray paint
Coloured foil covered wire
Spanish Moss
ribbon
foamies
foil cupids.
container

Lily was in heaven when I told her she could do the spray painting

groovy love stickers
Rosie decorating a heart
more spray paint.
cupid
the finished container
Daddy helping out
All the little hearts we could find at the store. Each one painted and decorated by the girlies
Daddy helping out again
Ta-Da. A love tree.
They did such a good job and are so very proud of their project. Me too, I think it is gorgeous and it makes me smile each time I walk past it.


Disclaimer: We had to go outside to spray the sticks (especially since Lily was doing that job) so I took a really nasty looking old sheet that I always use when I do projects involving spray paint. I then thought they would want to come back inside but they didn't. It was cold yesterday and that is a rarity here so the girlies wanted to freeze their bums off outside. So in most of these photos is the nastiest looking sheet you have ever seen. I actually don't know where it came ftom. It looks like something from the seventies. Maybe it was my MIL's. Now I suppose it looks a lot better at least it is ballet slipper pink.

Sometimes

Last night as I was heading to bed I stopped, as I always do, to give the girls one last kiss. I went to Lily first and layed next to her on the bed and stroked her face and kissed her cheek and I as I looked at her beautiful face I was suddenly hit by a wave of sadness as I thought about the first 14 months of her life. (this is not the first time of course) Who held my baby and looked at her with the love of a mother and admired every single inch of her being? Probably nobody.

As I thought more and more about her bleak and meager beginnings the burning hot tears started to roll across my face and onto her pillow. How can it be that my daughter lived in an orphanage for 14 months? This was just a few years ago and she lived in an orphanage with no parents and no one and nothing to call her own. Sometimes I allow these thoughts into my head, but only sometimes as they are so painful.

How can I have had no part of my own daughters life for 14 months? I would do anything to change that. How will it feel to be her when she gets just a tiny bit older to have to hear the words, I don't know, over and over again and realise the gravity of those words. I know it won't be easy for her when she starts to understand her past. I can only hope that we can make it as painless as possible, if there is such a thing.

I was recently told by a family member that all children are the same and that they only need 3 things, food, love and warmth and that you cannot change the past. I agree with this but only to a point however I didn't argue my case with this person and I won't as I know that even after all this time they don't get it. I once thought they did. Our children have a past, a history and we cannot change it, we have to deal with it. We no longer live in an age where we have to sweep it under the rug because it is OK now to have feelings emotions.

I am my daughters Mother but somewhere in China they have birthparents who were forced or quite possibly, chose to, abandon them and that is a reality that we have to deal with. I cannot imagine what that feels like. I cannot imagine what Lily and Rose are going to go through when they can understand the intensity of that statement. We won't pretend it isn't the case as that would be like pretending that they are not adopted.

Sometimes the reality of being an adopted parent brings me to tears, sometimes they are happy tears and sometimes they are not.

It's The Mundane Stuff.

Late yesterday afternoon as I was standing at the sink washing grapes, of all things, Lily was doing her homework and Rosie was waiting for the aforementioned grapes, I was hit by a wave of contentment. This is what I was put on this planet to do. I love it. Being a Mummy just rocks my being to the very core.

When we were waiting for Lily's referral these were the moments I dreamt of. I would be driving in my car and I would look into the rear view mirror and think, one day, not long from now there will be a little black haired girl in the back seat, right there, all buckled safely into her car seat or I would dream of the day when I would be able to put on a tiny little pair of shoes and help her with her ABC's. Now it happens all the time and I love it.

Rosie is right smack in the middle of the. I love you Mummy/Daddy/Lily phase and it is the greatest thing in the world to hear. She says it so many times a day and she even says, "You make my heart happy". Who wouldn't be dancing on a cloud?

The milestones in Motherhood are really wonderful but for me it is the little things that make me do the happy dance. It really is the mundane stuff that makes it all so worthwhile.

Holding a sleepy girl at the end of the day, and it doesn't matter which one it is, and listening to her tell me about her highlights and favourite moments that is when I melt and think I couldn't have made it this far, my heart would have never made it. I think I was always missing a little piece of my heart until my girls came along but now it is complete.

There are days when I sit down on the couch when they have gone to bed and sip gin straight from the bottle, (kidding) and thank my lucky stars that the day is over but that is usually when we have been rushing around and overly scheduled but due to the fact that my mantra for life is KEEP IT SIMPLE, those days are few and far between.

Girlies, Your sparkle and zest for life brings me such joy and happiness and I want you both to know how much Daddy and I truly love you.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

I Love You........

Rose and Lily love the song, I Love You, A Bushel And A Peck. I searched on You T*be and found one particular rendition that they love. I ended up commenting on the video and the people wrote back and challenged the girls to sing along to their video and for me to tape it. We took the challenge and here is the end result. I have written permission to use their video so no copyright laws are being violated here...just in case anyone was getting into a panic.




P.S. No, I don't normally take challenges from perfect strangers but these people seem nice enough and oddly enough there is a China connection. Weird huh?

P.P.S. After all the years of using Dropsho*ts I am now hooked on the Tube. I love it, it is so flipping easy. Dropsh*ts and I have a supposed lifetime membership together but until they figure out their relationship with Mac my side of this relationship is OVER.

Special Needs Versus Non Special Needs. Updated

That is it, I am at the end of my rope with the nasty fricken comments. This will be a rant. It probably won't be very polite so if you are easily offended I strongly recommend you stop reading right now.

When we chose to start a family through adoption we decided with our first child to choose a healthy baby girl. We were naive. We wanted the world and we went for it. Thankfully after a very long wait we were handed the world. Lily is a perfectly healthy child and has filled our lives with joy beyond our wildest dreams. She is everything to us.

When we jumped back on to the adoption rollercoaster a few years later we consider a special needs child right from the inception of our journey. We knew that many of the defects, diseases and disorders that China considers SN are truly nothing to be overly concerned about. At the beginning of the journey we spoke to our agency about this but we didn't do a live broadcast as we felt it was something that was our business and not public fodder.

As the wait grew longer and longer we perused the lists and finally we found our daughter. Yes, she was our daughter. It took us a long time. At one point we gave up as we felt she wasn't there and we were supposed to wait for her to be matched with us. But on that fateful day we found her, we saw her face and we knew. I cannot explain to you how we knew other than by saying she evoked the exact same feelings deep within us that her sister had done 5 years earlier. Rosie was right there staring back at us. She was ours.

At that point I would easily get 30-40 comments daily on my blog but once we announced that we had a daughter (12 months ahead of the queue) my comments dropped to 5 or 6. We were sent one or 2 emails about how we had jumped the line.  We were shell shocked. WTF? This little girl with her heart condition who was sitting all this time in an orphanage in China with nobody to love her had finally found her family and all these people could think of was that we had beaten them to the finish line. Give me a break you selfish jerks.

Today, over 12 months later, we received yet another accusatory email from someone in our original group stating how they were one of only 3 families who had stayed the course and bought home "their" babies home at the right time.

Does it really matter when we travel? I know the wait is endless and the ride is bumpy but in the end our children come home to loving families and that should be the focus of the journey not whether someone with a LID later that yours gets to go first. We found our little girl and somehow were supposed to walk away from her because some people felt it wasn't our time. When you have your child in your arms I hope with all my heart that you will understand how shallow you were being.

Grow up and put love in your heart and not jealousy because if that is what you are going to teach your children then quite honestly you do not deserve to parent a child.

Rant over. Fa la la la la

Update...I wrote this earlier when I was really ticked off and have since calmed down a little. I am still fed up with the nasty comments. Jacob is really annoyed about them and heaven help anyone that make one directly to him.  Rose was meant for us, and us for her, end of story, full stop. I am turning off the comments. I don't want to hear anymore about this, I am fried.

Be Still My Heart

This afternoon I was talking to Jacob on the phone and as always, Rosie had to talk to him. Once I was finished I handed the phone to her and she nattered away in scribble. I heard Jacob say that he had to go now and then he said, I love you. Rosie said, Bye-bye, dub do. She then hung up the phone.

I rang Jacob right back and asked if he had heard what she said. He told me he heard her but had no idea what she was saying. I told him she said, dub do. Dub do is apparently, love you in Rosie talk. It is so sweet. She says Ai Ni alot but this is the first time she has said it in English.

I hung up with him and looked at her and said, I love you and she said Dub do. My heart melted. Ahhh, those 2 little words can move mountains.

I dub my kidlets.

We Are Family

As of lunchtime today we are officially a family in the eyes of the American judicial system.

We pulled Lily out of school early and the wonderful Dade County Public School System even agreed to make it an excused absence since we did show them the letter from the Honourable Judge Cohen. We don't think that they noticed that it said Rosie's name and not Lily's...giggle giggle.

We zoomed and I mean zoomed to the courthouse downtown and waited for our attorney to arrive. No sooner had he shown up we were informed that Judge Cohen had a family emergency and Judge Bernstein would be hearing our case, at some point during the course of the day. Thankfully our attorney knew the bailiff and we were ushered in very quickly. Judge Bernstein was a really nice Judge and he cleared the courtroom for us stating that this was an adoption and his mind that is a private matter. Just as we were seated and everyone was making a huge fuss over the girls I smelt something a bit off. Yes, dearest Rosie had thought that was a great time to poop. I made her stay really still and thankfully the whole proceedings just took a couple of minutes and no one was any wiser. The judge posed for photos with us and chatted for a while to Lily. We then left the room went down to the 20th floor and filed our paperwork. (I made a detour to the nearest loo to take care of business) That was it. We said goodbye to Sandy, our attorney who just so happens to be married to our social worker and we left for a celebratory lunch.

Waiting for court to begin

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing


Judge Bernstein posing for a group shot. He truly was so nice.

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing

Daddy and his daughters

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing

Mummy and her girls

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing

Sandy and his girls. We are so lucky to have met both Barbara and Sandy on this journey. Barbara wants us to adopt again just so that we can stay in touch.

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing

The Official Family

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing

Some Of My Thoughts

A few weeks ago our social worker asked us if it was at all overwhelming having a special needs child. Our immediate answer was NO. It really isn't, we don't think about it. Rosie has been given a clean bill of health and her heart condition doesn't restrict her at all. Yes, we know she has a few things going on but other than her PDA all the other things are cosmetic as they do not affect her in any way.

Monday is her cardiac appointment, followed 2 days later with a well baby visit. Am I concerned? yes I am. Not because I think they will find anything but because Rosie really gets upset at the doctors office. She screams, she cries and she just gets very uncomfortable. There is nothing we can do about it. We hold her tight and comfort her once it is over and done with but she has to have all these tests done and we have to hold her down. I hate it, I really hate it. I could cry. I don't but the tears are right there. So in answer to the question, is it overwhelming having a special needs child, the answer is still no but having to take any child to a doctor as much as we have had to take Rosie and see that child get so upset hurts like hell.

If we knew a little bit more about her first year it might make it easier. We don't know how many times she was hospitalised, we know of at least 2 and the worst part is we don't know if anyone stayed with her or if she was just left alone there. I am guessing she was alone, which will not help her fear of doctors. In time the fear will subside and she will be a happy little girl whilst she is there but that time hasn't arrived yet so I have to put my game face on and deal with it all.

We have been playing doctor with her for the last few days and we have all been wearing stethoscopes, Rose included. Will it help? Who knows but it can't hurt.

To my sweet little Qi Qi.

I am sorry you have to go through this and I would do anything to avoid it but we have to make you better and make your heart strong. I promise you that very soon this will all be done and all these scary visits where people poke and prod you and strangers touch you will be a thing of the past. Until then I want you to know that Daddy and I are always right there for you, to wipe up your tears and your runny nose and to shower you with kisses adn hold you tight when it is all over.

You are such a sweet little girl and we all love you so much. You are much too smart for one so young and incredibly funny too. Your cheeky ways get you out of a lot of situations and you sweet smile lights up the room. I love that you are trying to say all the words that we say. Your favourites are, gray for grapes, lie for lights, Booboo for boobies, yes my dear sweet child you are infatuated with boobs even Lilys. You say dogogwoof, for dog, and when we hear uh-oh it is usually just before your bath when you are running around nudey and you have just pee'd on the floor, it makes your sister laugh so much. You have just started to repeat Wo Ai Ni (I love you , in Chinese) and you say, ai ni mama. You blow kisses at the people you want to and liberally dish out kisses to us.

You are the living proof that dreams really do come true.

I love you sweet baby girl,
Mummy.

As Promised....The Girls

Lily still loves playing with bubbles.




Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

Walking their babies......just one small problem here and that is that Rosie forgot her dolly.




Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

Lily had a Daddy day a couple of weeks ago and they spent the day playing miniature golf, air hockey, racing go-karts and that kind of stuff. She had so much fun and I got to spend some time with Rosie. All good.

Looking so calm and peaceful....




Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

This video of Lily makes me laugh it is just so "her". She is in the middle on the right hand side. She is the one you can hear shrieking and note that she doesn't even sit still when being plunged the ground. We call her "wiggle"





Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

I have a new favourite song. It is Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman. He is actually a Christian singer but this song doesn't mention religion at all and I can't stop listening to it. Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife are very well known in the China adoption community as they have (had) 3 little Chinese daughters and 3 grown biological children. About a month ago one of their sons was reversing his car and ran over their youngest little girl and sadly killed her. She was five. He wrote this song a while ago but it is much more poignant now.


Well that's it. I have to go and do some more painting. Our SW arrives on Monday. I know I am blonde but we have only been home for 5 months and this is our 6 month post placement visit???? See, I would have had plenty of time but she is early. Perhaps it is so that we can have all the paperwork to our agency in time for the 6th month mark. Talking of the SW coming to visit, Rose fell flat on her face on the tile floor tonight and is now sporting a big egg. That should look really nice on the report!

China Needs Our Help.

All of our sons and daughters from China are Goodwill Ambassadors. They change lives for the better on a daily basis. They don't know that they are doing it but they bring people together, not just the families they are creating but the friendships that are forged from their love, the people that we meet because of them. All of us have something in common and that common thread is The Peoples Republic of China.

If you are reading this you are probably somehow tied to a Chinese adoptee. You possibly have a greater interest in Peoples Republic of China than in any country other than your own. When we were waiting for both of our girls my heart would skip a beat when the President would say or do something derogatory towards the Chinese officials. When people make hateful comments about China I cringe, and often not very quietly. Somewhere in that vast land are 2 women ( and two men for that matter) that carried and delivered my girls for me because I could not. Somewhere in that vast country is a little part of me. I left it behind each time I stepped on a plane to bring one of the girls home. It isn't a large part of me, it is just a flutter but it is there, there in the birthplace of Lily and Rose.

Now that little flutter of mine is hurting, hurting very deeply. The earthquake that crippled Sichuan Province has left ten's of thousands dead and many more missing. I personally know people from this Province and it breaks my heart. Families have been shattered, children and babies are missing, mothers and fathers will never come home again and so many lives will remain forever broken. Many organisations have jumped into action to help but they need more help and that is where we come in. I am asking you, yet again, to give up your Star*bucks coffee for a week or empty out your change jars and send that cash to Half The Sky. Click on the link to find out how you can help. Every single penny helps.

The Chinese people are simple people, they do not ask for much. They would rather give than receive. They work hard, very hard and receive very little compensation, their top priority is their family. Perhaps you do not agree with some of their policies but the people don't make those laws the government does. If you can help please do. Somewhere, somehow you will be helping our children. Somewhere, somehow a little part of me will be comforted, knowing that I have done all that I can.

How can you turn your back on this?

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

Thank you.

Life Is Wonderful

I truly didn't know what to expect with 2 children. Every one felt it necessary to keep on telling me that I would be so busy and two children wasn't twice as hard but it was 10 times as hard. It isn't. I don't have a newborn who is totally helpless and I don't have a 2-3 yr old sibling. I have a 14 month old who is her own little person already and a nearly 6 year old ( yikes how can she be nearly 6?) who loves to help and is utterly besotted by her sister. Life is wonderful.

Rosie is beautiful and she loves to have fun. When we bought her home she was very small, very skinny and very, very weak but that is all changing. The Weasel can now crawl to the top of the stairs which was something I didn't think we would see for months. She actually now goes to the stair gate and shakes it to let anyone who might care know that she wants to climb. Her eating has calmed down now and she actually turns away from food, before she wouldn't stop eating and would whine for more food if we were still eating.

She has a cold and I noticed tonight when I got her undressed for her bath that she has a rash all over her tummy and back. I think it might be something as innocuous as a heat rash but I am not sure so if tomorrow she is still all spotty I will ring her DR. She is not quite herself but I am putting that down to the fact that she is teething. She napped today for 3 hours which isn't like her. But she is still really happy.

Whether it is bed time or nap time we always follow the same routine and she always goes into her bed giggling like a fool and goes off to sleep happily. When she wakes up in the morning she chatters away for a few minutes and then yells, Ye-Ye or A-ye, which is her name for Lily. Lily has a stool next to her crib so that she can go into her and stand on her stool to chat with her. When Lily picks her up and carries her Rose gets a grin on her face the size of a Cheshire Cat. She mimics everything that Lily does and Lily knows it too.

Lily finally appears to have put back on the weight that she lost in China. This is a good thing as her school uniforms were falling off of her and they are age 3! She announced the other day her plans for the summer. She wants to go to horse riding camp, have her birthday at Disney and go and visit Grandpa and Nannis and go back to the safari park. Lily thinks nothing of flying to England and thinks we should do it every other weekend. She loves her grandparents so much and thinks we need to spend more time with them and has no concept of the distance between us. She has flown to the UK 7 times in 4 years.

Lily is currently going through the "death" faze. She asked me the other day if Nannis and Grandpa would die soon. I told her no. She then asked how old grandpa was. I told her he isn't very old he is 69. To that she replied, that is very old! (sorry daddy) Then she wanted to know if I would die before Jacob and on and on the questions went. It is so funny and hard to keep a straight face. Walking to school this morning we saw a dead bird and all the questions started again; how did the bird die? Was he old? I finally told her he forgot to flap his wings and fell out of the sky really fast and crashed into the ground. She cracked up laughing and flapped her arms and then yelled SPLAT.

Lily, you truly are the light of my life.

We finally went through all of the photos of the trip and narrowed down a mere 375 for Rosie's scrapbook. So, if you don't see any changes on the blog for a few days you know what I am doing. Hopefully Winkflash will send them over the course of a few days and not in one big clump. I have already gone to the scrapbook store and bought all the albums and paraphernalia so once they arrive I can set to to work. I love scrapbooking but this amount of photos is rather daunting. Jacob has already finished the DVD's and edited them and everything. Life is so much faster on a Mac.

These photos are from Sunday. I have no idea why the fridge door is open and it's contents strewn across the floor as I was in the shower and Jacob had taken over the helm.

Child Labor. Lily puts Rose to work.


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

Lily's hat came from the Disney Princesses on Ice Show. She went to that on Saturday and came home deliriously happy. About 3 hours later she told me she thinks she is "over" Princesses. (alrighty then)


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

The other night we went out for dinner and Rosies chin barely cleared the table from her high chair. I just thought it was hilarious. Poor little Weasel is so little.


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

The Long Version

To Jacob and I it seems like forever ago that we started our journey to China. It was an easy decision for us but one that followed many years of heartache. We knew when we were married that we would be parents we just didn't know back then just how hard that would be for the 2 of us. After a few brief encounters with some fertility doctors we knew it would be virtually impossible for us to do this ourselves. Once the total shock and disbelief of that news wore off and we were able to pull ourselves up from the ground we quickly started to file paperwork to bring our daughter home from China.

We didn't tell to many people about our decision. I told all of my family and they were fantastic about it. In fact I can't imagine going through what we went through without every single one of them, and there is a lot of them, on board. As the months ticked by I would keep everyone posted. My mum would send me articles from the papers, my sister was gathering a book collection, my cousins kept asking when and my dad was just there to listen. To all of them, we thank you. Thank you doesn't really cut it because without you all this journey would have been terribly lonely and sad.

When you adopt from China the Chinese government chooses the right child for you. I can not explain to those of you who haven't adopted just how they match the correct child to you but they do. Every single adoptive parent will tell you that there is no better child in the world for them and that they got the perfect match. How do you explain to someone that this is YOUR child and that she just happened to be born on the other side of the world? Sadly adoption is still often viewed as a pathetic second best and this "sympathy" enrages me. Just for the record I would like to say to all the people that have said,"now that you've adopted you will probably have your own now", Lily is my own and so is Rose. They may not be flesh of our flesh, nor blood of our blood but they are our heart and soul. And also for the record, if there was even an iota of a chance that I could become pregnant I would have my tubes tied because from the bottom of my heart I can tell you that my children are born in China, they grow in our heart and not in my stomach and being pregnant to me is now a nightmare and not the dream it once was. ( Rant Over)

Jacob held Lily in his arms for approximately 30 seconds before announcing we would be adopting again. I was still a little numb from becoming a mummy after such a long time and dismissed his comment. But he was right and 2 years later we started the process all over again. We waited and waited and grew tired and frustrated and then waited some more. We perused the waiting child lists that our agency sends us every Friday but after getting our hearts trodden on one time very early on we backed, actually, ran away from them. Our child was out there and we just needed to wait to be matched with her. Another year passed by and we decided to check out the list again. We found Nan, Qi Min. We knew she was ours. She evoked all the same emotions that Lily had done a few years earlier and we were in love. You know the rest of this story about how we had to beat out 4 other families to prove she was ours and we did it. Rosie. as she has become, was not matched with our family, we picked her. She is the perfect child for this family, the perfect baby sister to Lily and the perfect, granddaughter, niece and cousin to her extended family. Everyone stood by us and cheered us on. My father and his wife knew from the second that we decided to seek special needs exactly what we were doing and what conditions we would accept. Again they were right there.

The red thread led us to Rosie and to Lily before her. Our girls are just that, our girls. They were adopted, they aren't now. Now they are just Lily and Rose, 2 sisters building a friendship through love. Two girls with a mum and a dad just like most of their friends. They are no different than anyone else and if you think they are just ask them and Lily will set you straight in a heart beat. We have already had the, "are they real sisters?" comment. WTF? Both times this question has been asked in front of them. I think this insensitivity is downright cruel. Are they going to grow up thinking they are pretend sisters cos everyone asks if they are real? URGHHH, people are stupid and stupid people suck. I still haven't figured out how to deal with this comment when Lily presents me with a question but to the people that ask I say yes, they have the same parents so that makes them siblings. Then I want to add a laundry list of profanity but I don't I just seethe on the inside.

I was scared that somehow we would "break' Lily by bringing her a sibling but all that has happened is that she has grown. Grown so much and made us even prouder. She cares for Rosie and loves her so much. Tonight she said that Rosie is the most fun that she has ever had (I think this was when Rosie was accessorising with her broccoli during dinner.) Rosie has brought out a whole new side of Lily a side that makes me love her even more and I really didn't think that was possible.

If you are still waiting for your child, hang in there and soon you will be hit by a love that you never knew you were capable of having. If you are an adoptive parent already, you get this and if you are not an adoptive parent and you are reading this, please think before you hit us with your barrage of questions. These are our children, yes, our children and we love them and will do anything to protect them from nosey insensitive comments.

Okay , well it seems like I had a few things to say but I feel all better now and regular programming will resume shortly.

To Our Sweet Baby

Sweet Little Girl.

This blog was started many months ago to document our journey to you. I try to document all the big milestones that happen along the way and count the months that pass as we creep closer and closer to you.

Lily, Daddy and I have been waiting to see you face now for 19 months and 1 day. We really thought that you would have been home with us many, many months ago. The wait is so very difficult. Each and everyday we think of you and talk about you. The wait is the hardest on your big sister because she cannot fully comprehend why you are taking so long.

She wants to hold you, give you your bottle and bathe you. She isn't very keen on the idea of taking a bath with you cos she thinks you will pee in it but that is because I recently told her that she used to do that. She wants to see your little face so much so that she can choose your name. She has lots of names picked out for you and one very special one that she has put so much thought into.

Lily used to save bits of her food for you and I would have to wrap them up and put them in the freezer. There are lots of half eaten cookies just for you. She saves her favourite things and puts them in your nursery and tells me not to give them to the poor kids because they are for her Mei Mei.

We just want you home with us, where you belong. We are ready and have been for a very long time now but we will wait until forever because you are part of us and we love you so much.

And so our darling little one, if you are in an orphanage or foster home be patient and know that we love you and we will be there soon, very soon ,to bring you home with us.

In my perfect little world I think we have approximately 7 more months to go before we see your face for the first time. I just can't imagine that we can be apart for much longer.

We love you with all our hearts and then some.

Mummy, Daddy and Lily.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

We Never Said, "I Do".

Twenty years tomorrow at precisely 2.30 pm GMT I walked down the aisle of St Peter and St Pauls Church, on the arm of my father, to join my hubby for the rest of my life. Our vows did not include the infamous words, I do, instead we said, I will.
I cannot believe that we have been married for 20 years. The old adage is, time fly's when you're having fun. Well it has been fun. We are best friends and we stick by each other through thick and thin. We tried to account for the last twenty years the other night but only managed to cover about seven minutes. We have done so many things and seen so many places. We have faced things that people shouldn't have to face but by turning to each other we have made it through.
Tough times? Yes, we have had a few. Bumps? Yes, those too. Regrets, we haven't had those. We both have a great sense of humour and to be married this long we need it.

Jakey, I love you. More now than before but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.Happy Anniversary.

Now if you swear not to laugh I will share a wedding photo with all of you. The expression, "what were you thinking?" comes to mind when I look at my dress but it was 1987 and big dresses were in! I had a 6 ft train on my veil and it was a windy day and the bloody thing kept getting airborne. Oh and If I look like a kid, I was. Jakey was a tad scrawny back then but I fattened him up and turned him grey!
We are going away to celebrate for a few days. See you on Wednesday which is another HUGE day for us.

Photo'>http://www.dropshots.com/">Photo Sharing - Video'>http://www.dropshots.com/">Video Sharing - Share'>http://www.dropshots.com/">Share Photos - Free'>http://www.dropshots.com/">Free Video Hosting

PHEW.....we are doing the HAPPY DANCE

About 3 months ago I posted that my dad was not feeling well and that he has never been sick in his life. He just didn't get better but I haven't mentioned it. One thing just kept leading to another and so on until about 8 weeks ago when his wife told me he was very very poorly and she had never seen him this ill and that he actually marched (I think crawled is a better description) himself back to the DR. My sister rang and was scared to death because in her words, "daddy looks like death warmed over". I spoke to him but it was a bit hard for him to talk as he couldn't breathe. He said that he had a severe chest infection and that he was on mammoth amounts of antibiotics. Well the antibiotics didn't work and then things got really scary as he was coughing up blood. My father is a young 67 but he has smoked since he was about 14 and quite heavily. The blood thing freaked me out but I refused to research anymore at that point. More antibiotics and even stronger this time. I called my cousin who is a fantastic ICU nurse and we chatted and we both agreed it sounded bad. Still he wasn't getting better and they ordered chest x-rays and other tests. (about flipping time I thought) I rang to find out the results and he said he didn't have them and this went on and on. I finally decided to stop ringing as I thought he wasn't telling me the truth as no test results take that long, even on the NHS! Well today he rang me and he sounded better and the conversation blew me away.
Him: I have just had my last MRI and another xray this morning and I am fine. I was told I have lung cancer ( this was what I thought but hearing it gutted me) but I do not. The DR came over to the house 3 weeks ago to give us my results and she told me I had cancer and told me all my options etc etc. So we started with all the tests and I didn't want to tell you because you would worry so we waited until today when I saw the specialist again and he confirmed that it is NOT lung cancer. Jeanne was so relieved that she started to cry, in fact she cried so hard I thought she was disappointed. ( my dad has a sick sense of humour) I still have to have a couple more MRI's but that is all. So don't worry about me cos I am as right as rain. How are you.
Me: umm, I am speechless. Are you sure you are all right? Oh daddy I have been so scared because you were so ill and I thought the worst.
Him: Honestly you and Jeanne worry to much. Apparently she has been worried sick about me.

I love my dad so very much and these past few weeks have been murder. I wanted to stop blogging, I noticed that my comments were rife with typos and I am sick of putting on a brave face. It's a family trait we are born to do it! When his wife rang me tonight we were both stuttering and shaking and oh so relieved. I have cried so much lately that I thought I was out of tears but the ugly cry I did today made me realise you never run out of tears. So now we can plan a wonderful summer with my family in the UK as usual. I told my father I wanted to do something when I got there and in true fatherly style he said, if you want to do it we will. He has always been this way with us, we always got what we wanted from him. So even though he isnt out of the woods completely he doesn't have that ugly disease. Oh, and when I said something about being told he had cancer he said, I knew I didn't I could just tell but I thought if I did I would just have to beat it and that was all there is to it.

So tonight remember to say I love you to those that you do and be thankful for all the little things that you have. Life is short fill it with things and people that matter the most. I am off to bed, I havent slept in weeks and the bags under my eyes are gruesome. Good, and I mean, very good night!

Daddy, would you please try and remember that I am a big girl and I can handle things even bad things and that worrying is what I do so it is better if you tell me and give me a reason to worry rather than let me stew. I am so glad that you are feeling better finally and that you sound like you again. I love you.

The Emotional Side Of Motherhood

I have always been an emotional person, I wear my heart on my sleeve and always have done. Becoming a mother has raised my emotional quotient to an all new level that even has me shaking my head at my pathetic-ness.

I dropped Lily off this morning for school and as I walked back to my car I realised this was her last day as a "pre-k cutie" and no sooner had that thought entered my head the tears started flowing. I just cannot believe that the next time I walk into her school I will be taking her to Kindergarten. I composed myself and drove home with a sad face. I came home and pondered my little girl and how big she is now and just how incredibly wonderful she is.

I thought when I first became her mummy that I wanted her to stay little forever. She was so ridiculously cute and impish. I loved the way she talked and the way that she couldn't say the letter "s" and used "f" instead so that her life was filled with fiders and focks (spiders and socks) the way she called us Mummio and Daddio. The first time she met my father and his wife it was love at first sight and she refused to say grandpa cos he was her daddy too and I would tell her that it was her Grandpa and she would say, NO, my daddy too. And my father thought it was great and that she was just so smart.

I have now realised that I love every stage and every age. Each passing month just brings out more of her personality and curiosity. Tonight out of the clear blue sky she asked me if you can see people when they go to heaven if you are holding their hand. I wasn't quite sure what she meant at first but then I understood and we chatted about going to heaven and how the whole deal works. I can see her mind working when we are out and about and then out pop the questions. She is a sponge and so very funny and smart. (yes, I realise I say this a lot but she truly is, just ask anyone in our family!)

So as I sit here reminiscing the younger Lily years I have to smile because even though she is getting big and independent she will always be mine. And when she gets married she will still live at home with us. I know this cos she told us the other day. She added that she might get the house next door but she would come and visit and we could go there too!

She turns five in a few days and I am NOT ready for that but I don't suppose I can do much about it so I will put on my game face and deal with it.

Mothers Day....long

I believe there to be 3 stages of Mothers Day, at least that is how it feels to me.

Stage One.
I was a little girl with an older brother and an older sister and I watched them so closely make cards and gifts for our mother. Then I was finally able to make things myself. Things out of egg boxes and lollipop sticks, things in class that had so much glue on them they were stiff. Paper rose bouquets made out of doilies and sprayed with anything that I could find that would smell nice. Then as I was a little bit older I was able to buy things for her myself with my pocket money or money that daddy gave to me to buy something for her. Horrendous gifts such as a bright orange lipstick that I can distinctly remember giving to her and that she wore all the time even though I never realised she never wore it outside of the house. Countless boxes of chocolates that I opened and sampled, this I don't remember but she told me a few years ago. We all did it to her and we always bought her the exact same box of chocolates, After Eight mints. I only found out a few years ago that she loathed them. She used to love them but she received them from the 3 of us for each and every occasion but she always smiled and thanked us and told us she loved them. She was always so gracious about our gifts. She kept many of them and new exactly which one of us gave them to her. Of course once I was older I was able to get her things that she wanted and loved but the response was never different if it cost a million pounds or a million thoughts. She isn't here anymore and it is sad, this is our second mothers day without her but we know she is with us in spirit still laughing at some of the peculiar gifts that we gave her. I love you mummy and miss you.



Stage Two
This would be the longing stage. A stage that most of us are in now. The stage where mothers day cuts like a knife because it appears to be an unattainable goal. I hated Mothers Day during these years. It was a constant reminder of something that I longed for but just couldn't reach. I put on a brave face and held my breathe and always made it through. For years we tried to conceive only to have our hopes dashed time and time again. We bought in the big guns in hopes that they could figure it out and they did, temporarily halting my life and dashing all hope. I can now say to each and everyone of you, I hope I never get pregnant. We actually had a small scare a month ago and I was holding my breathe. I was not about to take a test because that might have told me I was, instead we chose to wait a bit longer. We both laughed at the huge change in perspective that has happened to us. The one thing that we both wanted for so long is suddenly not what we want at all. Our babies, our children, are born in China. They are not flesh of our flesh but they are ours. We share our pregnancies, albeit paper ones and we go through the process together. One look at Lilys little face made all the hurt from all the years slide gently away. I cannot say this will happen to you but I hope your pain eases. To each and everyone of you who is waiting I want to say that you are already Mothers. The day that you sealed the envelope that you sent to your agency you became a mum. You daughter is still far away but she is part of you and soon, hopefully very soon, she will be in your arms completing your world. Not to many people truly understand the pain that we go through to become parents. We receive so many comments like, next year, be patient and such, and they hurt, they hurt us so much and so deeply. These comments are not said out of malice but instead because the person just doesn't know our pain.





Stage Three
This is the, finally I am a mummy, phase. Mothers Day takes on a whole new meaning and it puts us on the flip side of stage one. My first mothers day was wonderful. I was finally acknowledged for the one thing I had wanted for so long. But in all honesty every day is like mothers day to me. I am so lucky and filled with such happiness and all because of one little girl. She makes my world complete and my heart overflow with love and joy. She brings me gifts that she has made for me almost daily. She shares her love and affection for me openly and never fails to walk past me without stopping for a hug , a kiss or an I love you mummy. My heart and soul are waiting longingly for my other daughter. She is real to me and lives deep within the recesses of my heart. I can't let her come to close to the surface because it hurts to much. To her I say, I love you, we all love you and we will wait forever to bring you home. We wish for you nightly upon every bright star.


To my darling daughter Lily, you are my world. I love you so much for so many reasons, your smile, your giggles, your beautiful face and skin, the colour and shape of your eyes, your little button nose that wrinkles like crazy when you giggle. If I tell you a silly made up story and you think it is hilarious you want me to tell it over and over again just like I did last night and watched your silly nose wrinkle up time and time again. You are so sensitive for one so young and a very caring little girl. When I hear you say Mummy something inside my heart lights up. The joy and happiness that you have bought to me (and Daddy too) leaves me breathless. Without you I would have no Mothers Day and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being you, my remarkable daughter. I love you, Schnoogy. You rock my world.

Happy Mothers Day to all of you. Whether your babies are with you or not you are still very much a Mummy.....make that Mommy!

Feeling The Love

If yesterdays post seemed a little harsh perhaps this will clarify where I am coming from. If you need a special day in your year to profess your love then I think you have forgotten the plot.

Four years ago my best friend died. Nancy was truly a best friend. Her and I spent many years together and she taught me a lot but more than anything she taught me a lot about the small things in life and taking the time to appreciate them. She always took the time to smile and to say hi....to everyone. We called each other every single morning and fixed the world but one morning when I rang something wasn't right and I asked what was wrong and she said she had a lump in her neck. I told her very matter of factly to go to the DR. She didn't for a while cos she didn't have insurance and was waiting for it to kick in. To make a long story short, it was cancer, stage 4 when it was diagnosed. It was a long and very, very ugly battle. At one point it looked like she had beaten the odds but that joy was was short lived.She had an elderly mother but no other immediate family. Some cousins, one whom I love dearly the other I call the Rottweiler. Her mother was becoming senile so that left Jakey, Nanc' and I to take this on together and we made a hell of a team. We went to all her appointments together, when the chemo and radiation got to much she stayed with us. Jacob, who thought this woman was a nutcase friend of mine when he met her for the first time, did everything for her when I was at work. She fought tooth and nail cos she didn't think she could possibly die. She fought like hell cos she wanted to be Lily's auntie and we wanted it so badly. She was in denial so badly it sucked and made our lives hell. She kept smiling and always said, I love you dolly and that handsome husband of yours.
The hospital staff probably thought we were gay cos I was always laying in her bed with her. I would bathe her and change her when the nurses took to long. I am not sure they could figure out Jacobs role in the equation to begin with so we played it up to confuse them. I was her next of kin and health care proxy. Jacob would visit by himself and get on the bed too. I didn't care I loved this person and so did he.
She lived life to the fullest: pool boys and yardmen got hired for their looks!
In the end we pleaded with her to say goodbye. We had done everything we could. We made sure her mum was taken care of and I had spoken to her nice cousin and we knew it wouldn't be long but I wasn't expecting the phone call that I received. The nursing home called to say her mother had passed away and within the hour while we were at the nursing home the hospital called to say Nancy was gone too. She needed her mum to lead the way. Now that is love!

I miss her, we miss her and Lily never met her. I do not cry for her because the memories are so good. We talk about her all the time and it is always with a smile.

If you have someone so special in your life you are truly, truly lucky, but make sure you tell them how you feel and not just on Valentines day. We always did and I learnt to never miss an opportunity to do so because of Dolly.

Lily's Tender Moment

I found a tiny little red heart in Lilys bathroom this morning. The kind that comes in Hallmark confetti that you put in Valentine day cards and I had know idea where it came from. I asked her where she got it and she told me that she found it in Molly's bedroom. (Molly is the name she has chosen for her baby sister, but more on that some other time) She then told me that she thinks it is Molly's heart and that a fairy came in through the window and brought it in her room and wants us to look after it until Molly comes home. I just looked at her for a moment speechless and then planted the biggest smooch right on her and told her that I think she is right and told her to keep it in a very safe place. She went off into her bedroom and came back a few moments later and told me that Mollys heart is safe forever. I think she is so sweet.