Mothers Day....long

I believe there to be 3 stages of Mothers Day, at least that is how it feels to me.

Stage One.
I was a little girl with an older brother and an older sister and I watched them so closely make cards and gifts for our mother. Then I was finally able to make things myself. Things out of egg boxes and lollipop sticks, things in class that had so much glue on them they were stiff. Paper rose bouquets made out of doilies and sprayed with anything that I could find that would smell nice. Then as I was a little bit older I was able to buy things for her myself with my pocket money or money that daddy gave to me to buy something for her. Horrendous gifts such as a bright orange lipstick that I can distinctly remember giving to her and that she wore all the time even though I never realised she never wore it outside of the house. Countless boxes of chocolates that I opened and sampled, this I don't remember but she told me a few years ago. We all did it to her and we always bought her the exact same box of chocolates, After Eight mints. I only found out a few years ago that she loathed them. She used to love them but she received them from the 3 of us for each and every occasion but she always smiled and thanked us and told us she loved them. She was always so gracious about our gifts. She kept many of them and new exactly which one of us gave them to her. Of course once I was older I was able to get her things that she wanted and loved but the response was never different if it cost a million pounds or a million thoughts. She isn't here anymore and it is sad, this is our second mothers day without her but we know she is with us in spirit still laughing at some of the peculiar gifts that we gave her. I love you mummy and miss you.



Stage Two
This would be the longing stage. A stage that most of us are in now. The stage where mothers day cuts like a knife because it appears to be an unattainable goal. I hated Mothers Day during these years. It was a constant reminder of something that I longed for but just couldn't reach. I put on a brave face and held my breathe and always made it through. For years we tried to conceive only to have our hopes dashed time and time again. We bought in the big guns in hopes that they could figure it out and they did, temporarily halting my life and dashing all hope. I can now say to each and everyone of you, I hope I never get pregnant. We actually had a small scare a month ago and I was holding my breathe. I was not about to take a test because that might have told me I was, instead we chose to wait a bit longer. We both laughed at the huge change in perspective that has happened to us. The one thing that we both wanted for so long is suddenly not what we want at all. Our babies, our children, are born in China. They are not flesh of our flesh but they are ours. We share our pregnancies, albeit paper ones and we go through the process together. One look at Lilys little face made all the hurt from all the years slide gently away. I cannot say this will happen to you but I hope your pain eases. To each and everyone of you who is waiting I want to say that you are already Mothers. The day that you sealed the envelope that you sent to your agency you became a mum. You daughter is still far away but she is part of you and soon, hopefully very soon, she will be in your arms completing your world. Not to many people truly understand the pain that we go through to become parents. We receive so many comments like, next year, be patient and such, and they hurt, they hurt us so much and so deeply. These comments are not said out of malice but instead because the person just doesn't know our pain.





Stage Three
This is the, finally I am a mummy, phase. Mothers Day takes on a whole new meaning and it puts us on the flip side of stage one. My first mothers day was wonderful. I was finally acknowledged for the one thing I had wanted for so long. But in all honesty every day is like mothers day to me. I am so lucky and filled with such happiness and all because of one little girl. She makes my world complete and my heart overflow with love and joy. She brings me gifts that she has made for me almost daily. She shares her love and affection for me openly and never fails to walk past me without stopping for a hug , a kiss or an I love you mummy. My heart and soul are waiting longingly for my other daughter. She is real to me and lives deep within the recesses of my heart. I can't let her come to close to the surface because it hurts to much. To her I say, I love you, we all love you and we will wait forever to bring you home. We wish for you nightly upon every bright star.


To my darling daughter Lily, you are my world. I love you so much for so many reasons, your smile, your giggles, your beautiful face and skin, the colour and shape of your eyes, your little button nose that wrinkles like crazy when you giggle. If I tell you a silly made up story and you think it is hilarious you want me to tell it over and over again just like I did last night and watched your silly nose wrinkle up time and time again. You are so sensitive for one so young and a very caring little girl. When I hear you say Mummy something inside my heart lights up. The joy and happiness that you have bought to me (and Daddy too) leaves me breathless. Without you I would have no Mothers Day and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being you, my remarkable daughter. I love you, Schnoogy. You rock my world.

Happy Mothers Day to all of you. Whether your babies are with you or not you are still very much a Mummy.....make that Mommy!