As I thought more and more about her bleak and meager beginnings the burning hot tears started to roll across my face and onto her pillow. How can it be that my daughter lived in an orphanage for 14 months? This was just a few years ago and she lived in an orphanage with no parents and no one and nothing to call her own. Sometimes I allow these thoughts into my head, but only sometimes as they are so painful.
How can I have had no part of my own daughters life for 14 months? I would do anything to change that. How will it feel to be her when she gets just a tiny bit older to have to hear the words, I don't know, over and over again and realise the gravity of those words. I know it won't be easy for her when she starts to understand her past. I can only hope that we can make it as painless as possible, if there is such a thing.
I was recently told by a family member that all children are the same and that they only need 3 things, food, love and warmth and that you cannot change the past. I agree with this but only to a point however I didn't argue my case with this person and I won't as I know that even after all this time they don't get it. I once thought they did. Our children have a past, a history and we cannot change it, we have to deal with it. We no longer live in an age where we have to sweep it under the rug because it is OK now to have feelings emotions.
I am my daughters Mother but somewhere in China they have birthparents who were forced or quite possibly, chose to, abandon them and that is a reality that we have to deal with. I cannot imagine what that feels like. I cannot imagine what Lily and Rose are going to go through when they can understand the intensity of that statement. We won't pretend it isn't the case as that would be like pretending that they are not adopted.
Sometimes the reality of being an adopted parent brings me to tears, sometimes they are happy tears and sometimes they are not.
5 comments:
Kerri has been asking and dealing ever since she could communicate. Maybe we had an earlier start because of her attachment (RAD) issues, maybe because we have always answered her questions with (sometimes brutal) honesty. And since she is so analytical, she always puts two and two together faster than we are ready for.
I am not going to sugar coat this topic, it is hard, it is not pretty, but it is the truth, something my daughter needs to know. And we may spend a lifetime dealing with the implications of her first ten months in China. But she will always know she is loved and wanted. And I cannot brush the truth under a rug, because the truth always has a way of coming out and better she hear it from me than hate me for hiding it from her someday.
Denial is a terrible thing. And watching your child suffer and hurt is even worse.
I am sending you a huge hug. You are a wonderful mother, and your daughters will have your strength and courage to help them deal when they are ready.
Very moving post! I often wonder those same things and I'm so thankful to have online adoption parent friends to go through these things with and learn from those with older children
This is so beautifully written Dawn. These exact feelings have been weighing on me lately as well. I have really been feeling it since Briana turned 4. I think it is because I know she will start to ask more questions soon. I hope I am prepared (and strong) enough to help her through her realizations.
I feel this. I feel everything you are feeling and find these feelings creep up when I least expect it. How will she feel later? When will the questions begin? Right now she doesn't even like to look at her pics from the orphanage. It looks like disinterest but my gut tells me it's a cover up. She is tough cookie but I know the hurt will come out eventually and it will break my heart along with hers. What a complicated and tough thing it is. I hope I am as strong and as wonderful a mother as you are to those girls. Don't worry. I know you and Lily and Rosie will shine through the rain!
Hugs
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