Stopped

Each passing year, as she gets older, Lily's opinions regarding her adoption change and her thoughts become much deeper. It doesn't surprise me that around the time of her birthday we always end up talking about her birth mother because I know we are both thinking of her. I am just glad that she comes to me with those thoughts.

I think of her birth mother and wonder the circumstances surrounding Lily's birth, I wonder if ....well I wonder many many things. Like most of us in this community I hope that in some way, somehow, she knows that Lily has the life that she wanted for her but knew she could never offer. I would love for her to know how loved she is, how amazing she is, how funny, smart and courageous. She must get the courageous part from her because to offer your child to another Mother is the most courageous act there is.

I hope that when Lily thinks of her it isn't only pain and longing that touches her heart. Two days ago we were talking and Lily told me that she is thankful that she was adopted because she knows what her life would be like if she still lived in China. She also said something that stopped me dead in my tracks: Mummy, if I was 11 and still in the orphanage and I was told I was being adopted it would bother me to go to an inter-racial family. It would be so hard.

 Really? Why? She explained that everything she had ever known would be gone and at 11 it would be so hard to take on a new culture. She also said that she hated it when kids in her class teased her for being in a mixed family when she was in 1st and 2nd grade. I knew about the teasing, we addressed it. I think it is amazing to see things from her viewpoint. I now get to see, 3 years later, just how difficult it was to go through  the teasing even though it was never very intense and only involved a couple of kids. Certain kids always stuck up for her. But it hurt and she would hate to come into that at this age not even speaking the language. She said she would hate to stay in an orphanage and never have a family but to move to a different country would be horrible.

Her little mind never stops. I know it is at peace but the Mother in me needs to know she is fine. I want to do everything I can for her. Now with the DNA testing we can get one step closer to knowing her past. She is so excited about it but also very wary so we are choosing to wait. I will do what I have always done and that is follow her lead. When and if she is ready then we will move forward.

I will never know be able to fully comprehend what goes through her mind. I will never stop her from feeling. This is all part of who she is. I can only show her how to live the life that someone else gave her.

The impact

I've struggled with the words for this post for a couple of days. I start it, read it, delete it, start it, delete, redo it and so it goes. I know what I am trying to say but it is all so close to my heart that it all comes out in a jumble.

It started a couple of days ago when Lily came home from school and said that one of the mean girls came up to her and out of the blue said, " you must really hate Mothers Day because you don't know who your real Mother is."

The Mama Bear in me wanted to find out who the little bitch is so that I can deck her. THe Mummy in me asked her what she had said and how she felt. The teacher in me wanted to talk to the girl to make her understand the weight of her words. The Mother in me wanted to cry and protect Lily so that she doesn't have to hear this nonsense again. I am tired of her being reminded of the life she has lost.

When she was little it was her story and hers alone. strangers would ask questions but she was just too young to understand. As she got bigger we made the story a kind one that she understood and if strangers asked questions out of place we cut them off with a smile and a short answer but now, now she is bigger and the kids are bigger and they are getting nasty and we are not there, not that I think that would help. Lily has all the answers, she knows what to say and how to deal with the comments but I wish they would stop. The worst part is knowing that she wishes they would stop.

She is fine with being adopted. She would like to know her birth family. She wants to know who she looks like. Did she get her crooked thumbs from her Mum or her Dad? She has questions. That's natural. Well I think it is.

In the adoptive community adoptive parents have this way of calling themselves the real parents, and the birth parents, the bio parents. It really doesn't matter what we call ourselves because it really isn't up to us to choose that title. It should be up to our children to decide who is who. We are Lily's parents, (Rosie's too of course,) and there is no question about it. Lily loves us with all her heart but if you ask us who her real parents are she will say her Chinese parents. I will tell you from the bottom of my heart that it does not hurt at all. They gave her life and in her mind, that makes them real. The first time she said it, it stung but when I thought about it through her mind, I saw it her way.

It doesn't however give every Tom, Dick and Harry the right to throw it in her face. A friend contacted me today to tell me that her daughter (also adopted from China) was leaving gymnastics last week and a classmate turned to her and said, it must suck to be adopted! The kids Mum then added, Yes it must, poor Grace. My friend was speechless and grabbed Grace's hand and marched out of the gym.

Lily has had quite a few comments made about adoption at school lately.

She told me yesterday that she wishes people would "get" adoption. I asked her if she says anything and she told me that she usually ignores them. The only people that get it are her China sisters and she doesn't discuss it with them because she doesn't need to because they get it.

It's not going to go away and it's not going to get any easier.

Life is a lesson ** updated

Lily is a good girl. She comes in from school and after a quick snack and a few minutes of madness, settles down to do her homework. Once her homework is done I ask her to pack a book bag ready for the next day and place in by the front door. This part rarely happens, She"ll throw all her stuff in it and leave it where it is or she will put some of the stuff in it and I end up adding the other books and or folders to it myself. Last night after, reminding her 3 times, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I took her book bag and placed it by the door and then looked around to see what I could add to it.

I found a flip flop, and the days newspaper. I mentioned to Jacob what I was doing and he loved it and told me to go and get a brick to put in it. I did but after some deliberation we thought she might possibly get in to all sorts of trouble with a brick in her back pack so I removed it. I went upstairs and grabbed a pair of socks and then headed into Rosies room and got one of her dolly's. I carefully placed everything in her bag and zipped it shut. Bwa ha ha ha.

During dinner Jacob made a comment to the girls about how he hopes they appreciate everything that I do for them and how they really don't understand just how much I do. Again bwa ha ha ha.

I went back out to work and upon my return Jacob told me how he ad added some stuff to her lunch box as well.

It is really hard for me to keep secrets so I kept making little comments to Lily about how i thought she was going to have a few hysterical moments at school today. She didn't question it cos it is her field day today and it will be fun. I then revisited Jacob's comment to her last night and she said, "Mummy, I do appreciate everything you do but most especially I appreciate you taking me out of that dreadful orphanage". I just looked at her, utterly speechless. I told her she is my daughter and she doesn't have to appreciate THAT. WIthin seconds we were back to being silly. As I was trying to teach her a lesson I also learnt one: her past is never far from her mind and she is starting to understand more and more about it.

As she got out of the car today I made another quip and she looked a tad suspicious. As we drove away I told Rosie what Daddy and I had done and she giggled.

I can't wait to pick her up today and see what she thought about all her extra stuff. I just really hope she has learnt a lesson and will now pack her own book bag instead of letting me help her!

*** Lily is hopelessly unflappable! She said at first she thought all the stuff in her book bag was from Rosie so she laughed about it with her friends and then at lunch she actually thought her Daddy and placed her thermos in an old sock to keep it extra cold. (seriously, what on earth?) She said it wasn't until she read the note that it all made sense but it didn't faze her. Alas, I have learnt yet another lesson: it is impossible to mess with this kid and if I need to teach ehr a lesson it needs to be done in a sensible way. How dull. LOL

Dear Lily

Dear Sweet Lily.

You don't know how much it hurts me to see you in pain. To see your face and know exactly what it is that you are pondering. When you say, "I don't even know her name or even her first initial" or "what does she look like?"

Will you ever know who she is? I cannot answer that yet. I believe, all the way to the bottom of my soul, that one day the laws in China will change and the women that you all are seeking will be allowed to identify themselves. If there is ever a chance I promise I will be right there with you.

This morning you said "it would have all been OK if I was born a boy and it would have been so much better". All the books we have read together and all the facts that we know point to the fact that being a boy would not necessarily have changed a thing. Hearing you say those words was the hardest thing I have ever had to listen to. Sweet Lilipop, how my heart breaks for you and all these unknowns. I can't ever put myself in your shoes and I cannot pretend to understand but I will always, always be here for you.

I told you this morning and I will tell you for the rest of my life that I couldn't love you anymore than I do because the love I have for you is the love of a mother to her child, HER child.

Love you, all the way to the sky and back, and then some.

Mummy

I really never thought that I would be answering these questions yet. They are deep and involved and frankly, I thought she be around 12 before these questions came up. Just like everything you do for the first time it was hard and I was trying to not take it as a dig against me and her Daddy as I know better than that. She loves us, truly loves us but in her heart she has a love for her birth parents and that is natural.

The circumstances surrounding her birth mothers decision to place her for adoption are unknown to us. She is starting to build a story in her head of how it might have been and how it will be if she ever finds her. I cannot dash that story for her but I cannot let her believe in something that might be false as the pain from that would be immense. That is the fine line we are walking now. Not dashing her hopes and dreams but trying to offer options.

We have some great books that she is reading, one in particular, "When You Were Born In China" seems to be helping answer some of her unknowns. We read it together and every now and again she says, well that makes sense.

I can't even pretend to understand this, not one second of it. Her sister will and they will have each other to turn to but Rosie is just way to little to fathom any of it right now. I am grateful that we have been so open with her as this would have made her head implode if it all came down on her at once.

Does anyone have a magic wand that I can borrow?

Never Saw This One Coming. Updated

Homework, some love it, some despise it, some battle over it, some do it willingly. Thankfully in this house Lily has not only always done it willingly but she has always done it well. This evening was no exception and she sat at the desk with the computer as her study guide as she worked her way through her vocabulary words. She had to define each word and list 3-5 related words. As she sat down to do that I read over her math homework and then went about my business in the same room as her waiting to see when and if she would want my assistance.

I didn't wait long.

Her voice was filled with angst. "mummy, come here". I hurried over to her because I know that tone. On the screen in front of me was the word, "orphan". I looked from the screen to her vocabulary list where I saw the word again. I shuddered to myself as I thought how insensitive it was to put that word on her spelling list. At the same time my rational brain is telling me we can't avoid all sensitive words. It only takes nano seconds to glance at a computer screen and a composition book and at the same time Lily says with her voice drenched in a mixture of sadness and disgust, "I am NOT any of these. I am NOT a beggar, a street person or a hobo. I am not a tramp an urchin or a bum nor are any of my China sisters and I WILL NOT write these words down." I stared in utter disbelief at the screen wondering what the hell I was seeing. What Thesaurus had the teacher suggested that they use.

I held her and comforted her, I begged my tears to stay and not roll down my face. We talked and I searched 3 other sites, 2 matched exactly and one said,"no matches found".

Lily was hurt, angry and in fact defiant. I stood with her. I picked up the phone and called my voice of reason in matters like this and she concurred. A short note to the teacher was in order explaining that Lily was classified as an orphan at one stage in her life and she found the related words offered by numerous Thesauri to be insulting and demeaning and consequently I am asking that she be excused from that one line of the homework assignment with no attention whatsoever to be given to her in class regarding this matter.

I am angry. I am hurt. My child nor any other orphaned child should be classified as a beggar or a street person. WTF?

Yet again my girl has made me proud and I have told her that if there are any repercussions from this in class tomorrow I will declare a war.

This is straight from Thesaurus.com
orphan - 4 of 4 thesaurus results
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Orphan Synonyms
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Dictionary.com
Main Entry: orphan
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: child without parents
Synonyms: foundling, ragamuffin, stray, waif
Main Entry: ragamuffin
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: person who is poor, tattered
Synonyms: beggar, bum*, gamin, guttersnipe, hobo, loafer, orphan, scarecrow, street person, tatterdemalion, tramp, urchin, vagabond, vagrant, waif, wastrel
Antonyms: sophisticate
* = informal/non-formal usage

Many hours have passed since this happened yet I still have a knot in my stomach and my hands still don't feel as if they truly belong to me. I am not upset at the school teacher for giving this word although with all the words in the English language I think she could have found another it wasn't as if her vocabulary words for the week followed a theme.

Update.

Instead of fuming and being bent out of shape I have started a letter writing campaign to Thesaurus.com If you go to the website and scroll to the bottom of the page it says contact us. Click here.From there you can follow the links. I told them that their synonyms are incorrect. I also posted a similar post to this on Faceb00k, and all of my adoption groups and told the fine folk at thesaurus dot com to expect an increase in their email.

Lily has so many supporters and even my clients have emailed on her behalf. This isn't just for Lily but for all of our children. Please take the time to let them know that this is unacceptable.

Thank you.

A Very Harsh Reality

As I was sitting with Lily on a chair she just glanced down at her ankle and noticed the scars that encircle them.

How did I get these, she asked me quizzically? I had told her before she had not remembered. Those are the scars that you had when we got you. When you were living in China you were tied to a potty chair so that you couldn't get up and the string or rope that they used was tight and it cut into your skin, was my sad response.

They tortured us? But you said they loved us. Her face was full of emotion and this time I knew she understood. I gently touched her ankle and she flinched, even though the scars are feint now the idea of how they happened suddenly made them sore for her.

They did love you, they loved you very much but the orphanage was a busy place with 100's of babies and they couldn't spend as much time with you as they wanted to. My heart hurt saying these words. Oh how I wish she was never there and how I wish I could have been the one to hold her when she cried. I couldn't let her see how sad I was because I don't want her to think that Mrs Li and the care she received was flawed. They did their best, truly they did.

Why couldn't we wear diapers and not be tied to a pottychair? It seemed so sensible to her.

Money my love, They don't have enough money in the orphanages to buy diapers for all the babies.

The but's and why's continued and I tried to piece some more of the puzzle together. Through it I learned that this won't get easier for me as she gets older but it will get harder and harder. I never really dwelled on whether it would become easier I just know we will handle it all. Love can move mountains and we have mountains of love to give her.

Her reality is this: The people that gave her life are not watching her live it. That will never be easy to deal with as we will never have the answers to her questions.

I wish more than anything I never had to say, I don't know, or when you were in the orphanage, or before we became a family. Sometimes the harsh reality of it all makes me want to cry but I don't.

She spent 14 months alone! There are 14 months of her precious life that I have no answers to at all. Her first stitches? I don't really know what happened but we have an idea because we were told. Who kissed her better and wiped away her tears that day because it wasn't me and I am her mother, it's my job!

Please don't tell me to look to the future. Those are only words that someone who hasn't adopted a child would say. For those of you that have, you understand. The gaps aren't small they are caverns. Sometimes they slip away into the distance but when they reemerge they are even bigger and wider than before.

8 weeks old (we think)


6 months (and very layered, typical of Chinese orphanages even in the summer)


13 months, right before we went to get her.




These are a couple of the photos that we have of her first year. We were really lucky to receive these, some parents get nothing. I have 13 and 3 referral photos plus her finding ad.

Lilipop, if I could change it I would but I would never change being your Mother even though sometimes we have to feel some hurt in order for us be together. I love you all the way there and back again. xxx

My Heart Needs A Band Aid

As the parent of adopted children somewhere in the back of my mind always looms the horrid conversations that will, with all likelihood, happen when the girls are teenagers. I know that I am jumping the gun a little bit by thinking that far ahead but I think it is self preservation. Plan for the worst and hope for the best: words that Jakey and I live by.

As I have mentioned many times before Lily is wise well beyond her years and has a very deep soul. Tonight after the girls were out of the bath I was combing Lily's hair and she in turn was combing Rosie's. The following conversation took place.

Lily: Mummy, look at all this new hair that is growing on Rosie's head.
Me: I see it but it still isn't as much as is still growing on your 6 yr old head.
Lily: Let me see if you have any.
Me: I don't but I do have this funny hair here that is called baby hair that is always really blonde and never grows any longer than an inch.
Lily: Why do you still have baby hair?
Me: I don't know. Grandpa has it too.
Lily: Maybe I got mine from my birthmother.
Me: Yes, maybe you did.
Lily: I have got a lot of things from my "real" parents.
Me: I thought we were your real parents?
Lily: No, they are. They gave me birth or whatever it is called.
Me: That's true they did but usually when you have birthparents and adoptive parents the adoptive ones are the "real" ones. We are the ones that love you and ...
Lily:(butting in) They love me too.
Me: Yes they do, very much.
Lily: So they are my real parents.

I wasn't ready for that. I went on to tell her that she can call them and us whatever she likes because it is her life and her story. I didn't want to appear shocked or upset because I need her to be able to tell me and ask me anything and if she thinks she has hurt my feelings or made me sad she won't be truthful she will be protective. My irrational brain went into overdrive and I felt like a child myself and wanted to beg her to say she loves us more. I know that is dreadfully childish and believe me, I didn't react the way my heart wanted to. I felt like I had been jilted by my first love. Such strange emotions were stirred up and within seconds I thought, she wants to go back to China, she feels "different" because she is adopted, she is confused, oh my God she isn't happy. I understand she has questions and she knows she can ask us. More than anything in the world I don't ever want her to be hurt. I didn't push the issue and when she was done talking I carried on as usual but if anyone has a band aid for my heart I really need it.

The conversation continued for a little bit longer and she aired her feelings. We have always been very honest with her about her story and nothing that she says should surprise me but I just didn't expect this yet. I rang my friend Hollis who is so good at keeping her head and dealing with situations that arise out of the clear blue sky and we talked for ages. We have loads of books about adoption but she suggested one that I have never heard of and it is now being overnighted from the fine folks at Amazon. I want to bring the subject up again because I now have a clearer head and will be better able to deal with it. I know you don't get "do overs" in real llife but I am going to try and do this over and see if I can work out where this statement came from.

When I tucked her into bed and kissed her she said, I love you, you're the best Mother in the world. Thanks Schnoogie, I'll take it.

It's Started

"I'm tired of all the questions". This was the statement that Lily made to me last night during dinner. Even though I had no idea what she was referring to I had a feeling that this was going to lead to something quite important so I replied by saying, "I can see where the questions could become rather tiring and annoying. Who is asking all these questions?"

"Kids," said Lily. "They always ask if I am Chinese and when I say I am they want to know how come I am here"

"What do you tell them?"

"I tell them that I was born in China and then my mum and dad came to get me and bring me home. And then they start asking me more questions so I tell them ,it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. (At this point she was yelling)

I ended up telling her it was fine to say that it was none of their business but that she should try and be kind when she says it. I also suggested that she just ignore them but she told me if she does that they just keep asking.

Her final statement was this: I'm just Lily, that's all, why does it matter where I was born?

And so we are entering a new chapter, one I fear is going to cause me more pain than her. Leave my little girl alone people. She truly is just Lily and the rest of the story, well it is none of your DAMNED business. Sorry the protective Mama just came out of me.


Why Do I look Different, Mom?
By Debbie Brodie.

"Why do I look different Mom?"
Lily C**e will ask one day.
How come I don't resemble
all the kids with whom I play?

My hair is inky black and straight
My skin's a different hue
So would you tell me Mom
Why I don't look like you?

You're an Oriental flower,
I'll tell my darling girl,
Your skin and hair and eyes all come
from halfway around the world.

The sun of China warmed your skin
to that exquisite shade
Your eyes are China's beauty marks
Your hair a silk cascade
The colour of the midnight sky
Unlighted by a star.

So don't think you look different dear,
you look like who you are.