22 Mar 2012

The impact

I've struggled with the words for this post for a couple of days. I start it, read it, delete it, start it, delete, redo it and so it goes. I know what I am trying to say but it is all so close to my heart that it all comes out in a jumble.

It started a couple of days ago when Lily came home from school and said that one of the mean girls came up to her and out of the blue said, " you must really hate Mothers Day because you don't know who your real Mother is."

The Mama Bear in me wanted to find out who the little bitch is so that I can deck her. THe Mummy in me asked her what she had said and how she felt. The teacher in me wanted to talk to the girl to make her understand the weight of her words. The Mother in me wanted to cry and protect Lily so that she doesn't have to hear this nonsense again. I am tired of her being reminded of the life she has lost.

When she was little it was her story and hers alone. strangers would ask questions but she was just too young to understand. As she got bigger we made the story a kind one that she understood and if strangers asked questions out of place we cut them off with a smile and a short answer but now, now she is bigger and the kids are bigger and they are getting nasty and we are not there, not that I think that would help. Lily has all the answers, she knows what to say and how to deal with the comments but I wish they would stop. The worst part is knowing that she wishes they would stop.

She is fine with being adopted. She would like to know her birth family. She wants to know who she looks like. Did she get her crooked thumbs from her Mum or her Dad? She has questions. That's natural. Well I think it is.

In the adoptive community adoptive parents have this way of calling themselves the real parents, and the birth parents, the bio parents. It really doesn't matter what we call ourselves because it really isn't up to us to choose that title. It should be up to our children to decide who is who. We are Lily's parents, (Rosie's too of course,) and there is no question about it. Lily loves us with all her heart but if you ask us who her real parents are she will say her Chinese parents. I will tell you from the bottom of my heart that it does not hurt at all. They gave her life and in her mind, that makes them real. The first time she said it, it stung but when I thought about it through her mind, I saw it her way.

It doesn't however give every Tom, Dick and Harry the right to throw it in her face. A friend contacted me today to tell me that her daughter (also adopted from China) was leaving gymnastics last week and a classmate turned to her and said, it must suck to be adopted! The kids Mum then added, Yes it must, poor Grace. My friend was speechless and grabbed Grace's hand and marched out of the gym.

Lily has had quite a few comments made about adoption at school lately.

She told me yesterday that she wishes people would "get" adoption. I asked her if she says anything and she told me that she usually ignores them. The only people that get it are her China sisters and she doesn't discuss it with them because she doesn't need to because they get it.

It's not going to go away and it's not going to get any easier.


One Happy Mama said...

Oh my heart hurts for Lily and any adopted child who is subjected to ignorance. What a hateful little girl to say such ugly words - I am sure the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree (your friend's an example of that). *Hugs* to you and Lily <3

val said...

It's a cruel world & my heart goes out to Lily. Unfortunately there are a lot of "ignorant" people that think & say stupid things. The important thing is that Lily knows you love her. Hugs!

Love Letters To China said...

Dawn... these are the moments that make my stomach sink. It really stinks our kids have to deal with these issues. My heart goes out to your sweet girl. I know the love that she has from you and your family will guide her through these times.


Polar Bear said...

Hugs to Lily.
Hugs to You!

It is so sad that kids, and some adults, can be so cruel.

I'm thankful that you did this post. I always learn so much from you. I would have taken it personally if one day Z says that his real parents are in China. When you think about it as a child, you're right. I always learn so much from you.

Johnny said...

I've always wondered by teachers don't have adoptive parents come in and talk about adoption to at least the teachers so they can understand the perspective of adoptive families. Hmmm, maybe I'll send an email to the principal of my kids' school.

Briana's Mom said...

This post made my stomach turn. Bri is still pretty young, so she hasn't dealt with statements like this - at least I don't think so. As a kid, I would have never ever said something like that to anyone. Something makes me think these mean kids probably walk up to all sorts of children and say all kinds of mean things. For our girls, being adopted is the most obvious thing to point out.

The mama bear in me makes me think I will probably confront the kid and/or kid's parents if a statement is ever made to Bri like this. I guess I will see how I handle it in the future.

I believe Briana has 4 very real parents. Her biological parents and her dad and me. We are all very, very real.

I'm sorry Lily has to deal with this. And I am sorry you do too. :(

Briana's Mom said...

Oh - and I will add that a good response to that little girl at the gym would be "It doesn't suck to be adopted, but it must really suck for you to be so stupid." Snort.

RamblingMother said...

I am so sorry this happened. I would like to think education would help but it seems girls are sometimes just mean. I wish L would have said, I love mother's day to celebrate both mothers too bad you only have one mom to celebrate.

May or may not have turned the tables.

Catherine said...

I'm so sorry this happened. As much as my head knows our girls will face battles we never had to, it cuts me to the core that people can be so mean and hurtful!

The girl at the gym...she's a chip off the ole block and the block is s stupid one!!

Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts with us. I appreciate the different ways you wanted to deal with this.

Sadly I'm afraid my Mamma Bear side will want to deck someone sometime. Uh oh!

((hugs)) to your sweet Lily.

Vivian M said...

(Hugs). And bollocks.

Tammie said...

Reading about this, even days later, upsets me no end. I hate that Lily & our girls have to deal with this, but this is life.

I do want to thank you though for posting about Lily's experience. It brought about a great conversation with Erin. It showed me how comfortable she is with the life we have made for her.

As for that rotten little biatch, I hope that one day she realizes how her words hurt others. I hope she learns the lesson of not saying things that can't be taken back.


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