How did I get these, she asked me quizzically? I had told her before she had not remembered. Those are the scars that you had when we got you. When you were living in China you were tied to a potty chair so that you couldn't get up and the string or rope that they used was tight and it cut into your skin, was my sad response.
They tortured us? But you said they loved us. Her face was full of emotion and this time I knew she understood. I gently touched her ankle and she flinched, even though the scars are feint now the idea of how they happened suddenly made them sore for her.
They did love you, they loved you very much but the orphanage was a busy place with 100's of babies and they couldn't spend as much time with you as they wanted to. My heart hurt saying these words. Oh how I wish she was never there and how I wish I could have been the one to hold her when she cried. I couldn't let her see how sad I was because I don't want her to think that Mrs Li and the care she received was flawed. They did their best, truly they did.
Why couldn't we wear diapers and not be tied to a pottychair? It seemed so sensible to her.
Money my love, They don't have enough money in the orphanages to buy diapers for all the babies.
The but's and why's continued and I tried to piece some more of the puzzle together. Through it I learned that this won't get easier for me as she gets older but it will get harder and harder. I never really dwelled on whether it would become easier I just know we will handle it all. Love can move mountains and we have mountains of love to give her.
Her reality is this: The people that gave her life are not watching her live it. That will never be easy to deal with as we will never have the answers to her questions.
I wish more than anything I never had to say, I don't know, or when you were in the orphanage, or before we became a family. Sometimes the harsh reality of it all makes me want to cry but I don't.
She spent 14 months alone! There are 14 months of her precious life that I have no answers to at all. Her first stitches? I don't really know what happened but we have an idea because we were told. Who kissed her better and wiped away her tears that day because it wasn't me and I am her mother, it's my job!
Please don't tell me to look to the future. Those are only words that someone who hasn't adopted a child would say. For those of you that have, you understand. The gaps aren't small they are caverns. Sometimes they slip away into the distance but when they reemerge they are even bigger and wider than before.
8 weeks old (we think)
6 months (and very layered, typical of Chinese orphanages even in the summer)
13 months, right before we went to get her.
These are a couple of the photos that we have of her first year. We were really lucky to receive these, some parents get nothing. I have 13 and 3 referral photos plus her finding ad.
Lilipop, if I could change it I would but I would never change being your Mother even though sometimes we have to feel some hurt in order for us be together. I love you all the way there and back again. xxx
11 comments:
Lily is one lucky girl to have you as her mother. I so wish I had that many pictures of my little man. We are not as fortunate. I often think about having similar talks with Liam when he gets older. I just hope I am able to say such meaningful words as you have.
My heart ached reading that. It actually brought tears to my eyes. But like you said, they did the best they could amid the 100's of children that they have to care for. It is sad that they resort to that.
Eriks was adopted domestically and it's still very hard to explain to him why his birth mother placed him with us. He's starting to ask more questions that we have a hard time answering. Not sure what it's going to be like with Emi.
I pray that as Lily & Rosie get older they have more understanding. That's what I pray for with Eriks and Emi.
My heart broke reading this and the tears filled my eyes....but then I stopped and remembered what a wonderful Mother that precious Lily has been given to help her through all these questions and heartaches that she will endure.
You are a few years ahead of me, but I know that the questions will begin more and more with Fia. Especially if we go back for another....we plan to take her with us this time.
I think you handled it as best as you possible could my friend....the road will be long for our children,,,but we will be there every step of the way! ;)
Hugs,
Steffie
I think you handled talking with Lily beautifully. You were open and honest - even though it was so hard. I hope I can handle Bri's questions when she starts to ask them. Bri was in foster care for 7 months, so luckily, Bri was never tied to a potty chair to my knowledge. But I know she still carries scars, they are deep within.
You are both lucky to have each other. :)
a gut wrenching post, a gut wrenching reality.
may her wounds and scars make her stronger as she grows.
happy new year to all of you.
Hated reading this even though I know it will come for me too some day. Hopefully Lily was accepting of your answers for now. HUGS
This was the most difficult obstacle I had to overcome when choosing China as the place to find my daughter...how do I explain the "I don't know" questions to her without causing more damage? I hope I figure it out. But I take notes along the way from all you BTDT moms who have dealt with it before me. And I think you handled this very well. :)
Oh, Dawn, I cried reading that. I cried for sweet Lily and for you and for all of our kids that have to hear truthful words that will hurt one day. But thank God we are lucky enough to parent these sweet kids. To give them our love and maybe not totally heal but help the sad parts. Love can't be discounted and Lily will get through because of the love she has from you and Jacob.
Hugs to Lily and you from us!
Oh, SO true. Those gaps can be hard to overcome. I dread the days when questions about WHY my kids were at the orphanage come up. Looking to the future is fine, but the past makes up much of what we are today.
Sending you a huge hug. I truly get it, live it, hate it, wish there was an easier way...I know you understand!
G-d. This is so not what I was expecting when I came to visit this evening. Almost immediately, I knew my heart would wrench for both Lily & you. Lily will never have the answers that she needs. And you my dear friend are unable to offer any. Just keep being honest because the girls will remember that more than anything.
Hugs,
from someone else who is there
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