You don't know how much it hurts me to see you in pain. To see your face and know exactly what it is that you are pondering. When you say, "I don't even know her name or even her first initial" or "what does she look like?"
Will you ever know who she is? I cannot answer that yet. I believe, all the way to the bottom of my soul, that one day the laws in China will change and the women that you all are seeking will be allowed to identify themselves. If there is ever a chance I promise I will be right there with you.
This morning you said "it would have all been OK if I was born a boy and it would have been so much better". All the books we have read together and all the facts that we know point to the fact that being a boy would not necessarily have changed a thing. Hearing you say those words was the hardest thing I have ever had to listen to. Sweet Lilipop, how my heart breaks for you and all these unknowns. I can't ever put myself in your shoes and I cannot pretend to understand but I will always, always be here for you.
I told you this morning and I will tell you for the rest of my life that I couldn't love you anymore than I do because the love I have for you is the love of a mother to her child, HER child.
Love you, all the way to the sky and back, and then some.
Mummy
I really never thought that I would be answering these questions yet. They are deep and involved and frankly, I thought she be around 12 before these questions came up. Just like everything you do for the first time it was hard and I was trying to not take it as a dig against me and her Daddy as I know better than that. She loves us, truly loves us but in her heart she has a love for her birth parents and that is natural.
The circumstances surrounding her birth mothers decision to place her for adoption are unknown to us. She is starting to build a story in her head of how it might have been and how it will be if she ever finds her. I cannot dash that story for her but I cannot let her believe in something that might be false as the pain from that would be immense. That is the fine line we are walking now. Not dashing her hopes and dreams but trying to offer options.
We have some great books that she is reading, one in particular, "When You Were Born In China" seems to be helping answer some of her unknowns. We read it together and every now and again she says, well that makes sense.
I can't even pretend to understand this, not one second of it. Her sister will and they will have each other to turn to but Rosie is just way to little to fathom any of it right now. I am grateful that we have been so open with her as this would have made her head implode if it all came down on her at once.
Does anyone have a magic wand that I can borrow?
3 comments:
Oh I wish I did......it's so hard to know what to do & say. Hang in there my friend!
you &Jacob are the magic wand. She has the best parents alive and you are so open and frank to her I am sure that is making it easier for her to handle. you are all going through this journey together and that makes you all stronger. Just be who you are and Lily will understand when it is time.
I know Briana will one day start processing her story just like Lily is now. I just hope I can say the right things to her. If you ever find that magic wand, please let me borrow it.
I do know that there are families out there that are hiring searchers to try to find birth families in China - even if finding them is a long shot. I don't think that all hope is lost when it comes to helping our girls find answers one day - maybe.
Post a Comment