Each passing year, as she gets older, Lily's opinions regarding her adoption change and her thoughts become much deeper. It doesn't surprise me that around the time of her birthday we always end up talking about her birth mother because I know we are both thinking of her. I am just glad that she comes to me with those thoughts.
I think of her birth mother and wonder the circumstances surrounding Lily's birth, I wonder if ....well I wonder many many things. Like most of us in this community I hope that in some way, somehow, she knows that Lily has the life that she wanted for her but knew she could never offer. I would love for her to know how loved she is, how amazing she is, how funny, smart and courageous. She must get the courageous part from her because to offer your child to another Mother is the most courageous act there is.
I hope that when Lily thinks of her it isn't only pain and longing that touches her heart. Two days ago we were talking and Lily told me that she is thankful that she was adopted because she knows what her life would be like if she still lived in China. She also said something that stopped me dead in my tracks: Mummy, if I was 11 and still in the orphanage and I was told I was being adopted it would bother me to go to an inter-racial family. It would be so hard.
Really? Why? She explained that everything she had ever known would be gone and at 11 it would be so hard to take on a new culture. She also said that she hated it when kids in her class teased her for being in a mixed family when she was in 1st and 2nd grade. I knew about the teasing, we addressed it. I think it is amazing to see things from her viewpoint. I now get to see, 3 years later, just how difficult it was to go through the teasing even though it was never very intense and only involved a couple of kids. Certain kids always stuck up for her. But it hurt and she would hate to come into that at this age not even speaking the language. She said she would hate to stay in an orphanage and never have a family but to move to a different country would be horrible.
Her little mind never stops. I know it is at peace but the Mother in me needs to know she is fine. I want to do everything I can for her. Now with the DNA testing we can get one step closer to knowing her past. She is so excited about it but also very wary so we are choosing to wait. I will do what I have always done and that is follow her lead. When and if she is ready then we will move forward.
I will never know be able to fully comprehend what goes through her mind. I will never stop her from feeling. This is all part of who she is. I can only show her how to live the life that someone else gave her.
Showing posts with label birthparents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birthparents. Show all posts
7 Jun 2013
9 Apr 2010
How Should I Put This?
This is probably going to be a post that you will not agree with, that is fine. It is not fine however for you to flame me in the comments section as this is my blog.
Both of my daughters are adopted, (there's a newsflash, huh) and as a consequence of this they both have biological parents. Without these parents/people, I would not have my girls. I cannot imagine this as they are my heartbeat, they give me life but they are MY girls. I don't see them as adopted they are mine. I just don't think of their bio-parents much. I know that sounds really callous and I don't mean for it to be but that is how it is.
Occasionally Lily will mention something about hers and we discuss it but that is the extent of it. I never close down the conversation because we are very open about it and them and if one day there is ever a chance that she can find them and meet them I will be right there by her side holding her hand and encouraging her, if that is what she wants. This is not how I feel about their heritage and their culture or the fact that they are adopted because we celebrate all of those things this is simply how I view birthparents.
Sadly we know nothing of the situation that led to either of my daughters being put up for adoption and if you follow Bria*n Stuy*s ResearchChina Blog you may have read his articles on birthmothers and how they "deal" with the issue of giving children up for adoption. I used to paint a really pretty picture for Lily and Rose about their birth parents but now I have toned it down somewhat. They know they were loved but it is no longer all sweet and gushy.....that part of the story is not mine to tell. I cannot pretend there are 2 woman in China who are grieving for them as this may not be the case and I can not lie to them.
I am their Mother, I kiss them each night, I wipe their tears and hold them when they are scared, I scold them when they are naughty, laugh with them when they are silly, and play with them. I bath them when they are dirty, feed them when they are hungry and comfort them when they need it. I am the one who they turn to for advice and praise. I am not the biology that made them but I am the love that sustains them.
I will always be grateful for the DNA that made my girls but they are just that, MY girls.
Both of my daughters are adopted, (there's a newsflash, huh) and as a consequence of this they both have biological parents. Without these parents/people, I would not have my girls. I cannot imagine this as they are my heartbeat, they give me life but they are MY girls. I don't see them as adopted they are mine. I just don't think of their bio-parents much. I know that sounds really callous and I don't mean for it to be but that is how it is.
Occasionally Lily will mention something about hers and we discuss it but that is the extent of it. I never close down the conversation because we are very open about it and them and if one day there is ever a chance that she can find them and meet them I will be right there by her side holding her hand and encouraging her, if that is what she wants. This is not how I feel about their heritage and their culture or the fact that they are adopted because we celebrate all of those things this is simply how I view birthparents.
Sadly we know nothing of the situation that led to either of my daughters being put up for adoption and if you follow Bria*n Stuy*s ResearchChina Blog you may have read his articles on birthmothers and how they "deal" with the issue of giving children up for adoption. I used to paint a really pretty picture for Lily and Rose about their birth parents but now I have toned it down somewhat. They know they were loved but it is no longer all sweet and gushy.....that part of the story is not mine to tell. I cannot pretend there are 2 woman in China who are grieving for them as this may not be the case and I can not lie to them.
I am their Mother, I kiss them each night, I wipe their tears and hold them when they are scared, I scold them when they are naughty, laugh with them when they are silly, and play with them. I bath them when they are dirty, feed them when they are hungry and comfort them when they need it. I am the one who they turn to for advice and praise. I am not the biology that made them but I am the love that sustains them.
I will always be grateful for the DNA that made my girls but they are just that, MY girls.
11 Nov 2008
My Heart Needs A Band Aid
As the parent of adopted children somewhere in the back of my mind always looms the horrid conversations that will, with all likelihood, happen when the girls are teenagers. I know that I am jumping the gun a little bit by thinking that far ahead but I think it is self preservation. Plan for the worst and hope for the best: words that Jakey and I live by.
As I have mentioned many times before Lily is wise well beyond her years and has a very deep soul. Tonight after the girls were out of the bath I was combing Lily's hair and she in turn was combing Rosie's. The following conversation took place.
Lily: Mummy, look at all this new hair that is growing on Rosie's head.
Me: I see it but it still isn't as much as is still growing on your 6 yr old head.
Lily: Let me see if you have any.
Me: I don't but I do have this funny hair here that is called baby hair that is always really blonde and never grows any longer than an inch.
Lily: Why do you still have baby hair?
Me: I don't know. Grandpa has it too.
Lily: Maybe I got mine from my birthmother.
Me: Yes, maybe you did.
Lily: I have got a lot of things from my "real" parents.
Me: I thought we were your real parents?
Lily: No, they are. They gave me birth or whatever it is called.
Me: That's true they did but usually when you have birthparents and adoptive parents the adoptive ones are the "real" ones. We are the ones that love you and ...
Lily:(butting in) They love me too.
Me: Yes they do, very much.
Lily: So they are my real parents.
I wasn't ready for that. I went on to tell her that she can call them and us whatever she likes because it is her life and her story. I didn't want to appear shocked or upset because I need her to be able to tell me and ask me anything and if she thinks she has hurt my feelings or made me sad she won't be truthful she will be protective. My irrational brain went into overdrive and I felt like a child myself and wanted to beg her to say she loves us more. I know that is dreadfully childish and believe me, I didn't react the way my heart wanted to. I felt like I had been jilted by my first love. Such strange emotions were stirred up and within seconds I thought, she wants to go back to China, she feels "different" because she is adopted, she is confused, oh my God she isn't happy. I understand she has questions and she knows she can ask us. More than anything in the world I don't ever want her to be hurt. I didn't push the issue and when she was done talking I carried on as usual but if anyone has a band aid for my heart I really need it.
The conversation continued for a little bit longer and she aired her feelings. We have always been very honest with her about her story and nothing that she says should surprise me but I just didn't expect this yet. I rang my friend Hollis who is so good at keeping her head and dealing with situations that arise out of the clear blue sky and we talked for ages. We have loads of books about adoption but she suggested one that I have never heard of and it is now being overnighted from the fine folks at Amazon. I want to bring the subject up again because I now have a clearer head and will be better able to deal with it. I know you don't get "do overs" in real llife but I am going to try and do this over and see if I can work out where this statement came from.
When I tucked her into bed and kissed her she said, I love you, you're the best Mother in the world. Thanks Schnoogie, I'll take it.
As I have mentioned many times before Lily is wise well beyond her years and has a very deep soul. Tonight after the girls were out of the bath I was combing Lily's hair and she in turn was combing Rosie's. The following conversation took place.
Lily: Mummy, look at all this new hair that is growing on Rosie's head.
Me: I see it but it still isn't as much as is still growing on your 6 yr old head.
Lily: Let me see if you have any.
Me: I don't but I do have this funny hair here that is called baby hair that is always really blonde and never grows any longer than an inch.
Lily: Why do you still have baby hair?
Me: I don't know. Grandpa has it too.
Lily: Maybe I got mine from my birthmother.
Me: Yes, maybe you did.
Lily: I have got a lot of things from my "real" parents.
Me: I thought we were your real parents?
Lily: No, they are. They gave me birth or whatever it is called.
Me: That's true they did but usually when you have birthparents and adoptive parents the adoptive ones are the "real" ones. We are the ones that love you and ...
Lily:(butting in) They love me too.
Me: Yes they do, very much.
Lily: So they are my real parents.
I wasn't ready for that. I went on to tell her that she can call them and us whatever she likes because it is her life and her story. I didn't want to appear shocked or upset because I need her to be able to tell me and ask me anything and if she thinks she has hurt my feelings or made me sad she won't be truthful she will be protective. My irrational brain went into overdrive and I felt like a child myself and wanted to beg her to say she loves us more. I know that is dreadfully childish and believe me, I didn't react the way my heart wanted to. I felt like I had been jilted by my first love. Such strange emotions were stirred up and within seconds I thought, she wants to go back to China, she feels "different" because she is adopted, she is confused, oh my God she isn't happy. I understand she has questions and she knows she can ask us. More than anything in the world I don't ever want her to be hurt. I didn't push the issue and when she was done talking I carried on as usual but if anyone has a band aid for my heart I really need it.
The conversation continued for a little bit longer and she aired her feelings. We have always been very honest with her about her story and nothing that she says should surprise me but I just didn't expect this yet. I rang my friend Hollis who is so good at keeping her head and dealing with situations that arise out of the clear blue sky and we talked for ages. We have loads of books about adoption but she suggested one that I have never heard of and it is now being overnighted from the fine folks at Amazon. I want to bring the subject up again because I now have a clearer head and will be better able to deal with it. I know you don't get "do overs" in real llife but I am going to try and do this over and see if I can work out where this statement came from.
When I tucked her into bed and kissed her she said, I love you, you're the best Mother in the world. Thanks Schnoogie, I'll take it.
6 Jun 2007
Birthdays, Ducks and Birthmother Conversations.
How did this happen? Our little girl turned 5 today. I have no clue where the time has gone and frankly with us as her parents I am amazed that she has made it this far! But she has and she is now 5. Five seems so grown up, she has moved into a whole other realm and it is amazing to see.
She had yet another day of celebrating, pressies, fun times and cake.
This is going to seem like an odd question to most of you but to one person in particular it is going to make sense. Which one of you faithful followers sent the rubber duckies? Lily received a gift of 4 rubber ducks and they are anonymous. I even received an email from Nikki at Life With Lily Lin, to see if she had received them. She claims to be the go between person and not the sender. Well, whoever you are, thank you very much the ducks are very appreciated but I fear one is inebriated as he swims belly side up!
My final conversation with Lily tonight as I was putting her to bed went like this:
Me: 5 yrs ago today in China your birth mother gave you to Daddy and I for ever and ever and for this we are eternally grateful.
Lily: Mommy where is your heart?
Me: Right here (pointing)
Lily: (lent forward and kissed my heart and said), my birth mother lives in your heart right?
Me: Yes
Lily: That kiss is for my birth mother for giving me to you guys. I loved you guys when I was in China and you didn't even know me and I loved you when I was in my birth mothers tummy and I will still love you guys when I am dead!
End of conversation and start of tears. Lily is so sweet and I love her to bits. Happy Birthday you big, big girl! We love you and have loved you forever too and will love you until eternity. As we say to each other every night, I love you with all my heart and then some.
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A Really Fabulous Pop Up Book
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Sporting Her New Nightie From Aunties, Fran and Shell. (do you really think this will stop the nudey butt scene?)Going on a search for her pressies from us.
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Her New Bike. We have to take off the training wheels cos it came with them on.
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Is it just me or does this Barbie Doll look more like one of the "Girls Next Door". Hey, Heff, I think I have your girlfriend over here!
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The worst singing you have ever heard!
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Getting Serious With Her Cake.
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Out For A Birthday Stroll
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Dinner Out with Mummy
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The Drunken Duckling!
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She had yet another day of celebrating, pressies, fun times and cake.
This is going to seem like an odd question to most of you but to one person in particular it is going to make sense. Which one of you faithful followers sent the rubber duckies? Lily received a gift of 4 rubber ducks and they are anonymous. I even received an email from Nikki at Life With Lily Lin, to see if she had received them. She claims to be the go between person and not the sender. Well, whoever you are, thank you very much the ducks are very appreciated but I fear one is inebriated as he swims belly side up!
My final conversation with Lily tonight as I was putting her to bed went like this:
Me: 5 yrs ago today in China your birth mother gave you to Daddy and I for ever and ever and for this we are eternally grateful.
Lily: Mommy where is your heart?
Me: Right here (pointing)
Lily: (lent forward and kissed my heart and said), my birth mother lives in your heart right?
Me: Yes
Lily: That kiss is for my birth mother for giving me to you guys. I loved you guys when I was in China and you didn't even know me and I loved you when I was in my birth mothers tummy and I will still love you guys when I am dead!
End of conversation and start of tears. Lily is so sweet and I love her to bits. Happy Birthday you big, big girl! We love you and have loved you forever too and will love you until eternity. As we say to each other every night, I love you with all my heart and then some.
I will leave you with some photos of the day. I am off to try and tidy up the play room and find homes for all these new toys. I see a trip to the charity shop in Lilys future as she has a lot of baby toys that she needs to say Adios, to. If I am not back in a week send a search party and tell them to start in the toy room.
The Mystery Duckys
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A Really Fabulous Pop Up Book
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Sporting Her New Nightie From Aunties, Fran and Shell. (do you really think this will stop the nudey butt scene?)Going on a search for her pressies from us.
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Her New Bike. We have to take off the training wheels cos it came with them on.
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Is it just me or does this Barbie Doll look more like one of the "Girls Next Door". Hey, Heff, I think I have your girlfriend over here!
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The worst singing you have ever heard!
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Getting Serious With Her Cake.
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Out For A Birthday Stroll
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Dinner Out with Mummy
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The Drunken Duckling!
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