Both of my daughters are adopted, (there's a newsflash, huh) and as a consequence of this they both have biological parents. Without these parents/people, I would not have my girls. I cannot imagine this as they are my heartbeat, they give me life but they are MY girls. I don't see them as adopted they are mine. I just don't think of their bio-parents much. I know that sounds really callous and I don't mean for it to be but that is how it is.
Occasionally Lily will mention something about hers and we discuss it but that is the extent of it. I never close down the conversation because we are very open about it and them and if one day there is ever a chance that she can find them and meet them I will be right there by her side holding her hand and encouraging her, if that is what she wants. This is not how I feel about their heritage and their culture or the fact that they are adopted because we celebrate all of those things this is simply how I view birthparents.
Sadly we know nothing of the situation that led to either of my daughters being put up for adoption and if you follow Bria*n Stuy*s ResearchChina Blog you may have read his articles on birthmothers and how they "deal" with the issue of giving children up for adoption. I used to paint a really pretty picture for Lily and Rose about their birth parents but now I have toned it down somewhat. They know they were loved but it is no longer all sweet and gushy.....that part of the story is not mine to tell. I cannot pretend there are 2 woman in China who are grieving for them as this may not be the case and I can not lie to them.
I am their Mother, I kiss them each night, I wipe their tears and hold them when they are scared, I scold them when they are naughty, laugh with them when they are silly, and play with them. I bath them when they are dirty, feed them when they are hungry and comfort them when they need it. I am the one who they turn to for advice and praise. I am not the biology that made them but I am the love that sustains them.
I will always be grateful for the DNA that made my girls but they are just that, MY girls.
11 comments:
No need for flaming you. :-) ANyone who has adopted children, or has had, perhaps a parent who wasn't much of a parent (or a really horrible parent) knows that DNA means nothing.
Biology is the least of what makes you their Mom. I agree with you 100%. I don't look at Eme as anything other than MY daughter. It's physically obvious that we don't share the same DNA, but it's miraculously beautiful that we are so connected.
& I agree about toning down the beautiful picture of abandonement and all the unknowns, because the truth is, we just don't know and I believe it's my daughters story, her journey, that she will need to explore and decide how she feels about it one day.
I've always wondered (and still do) how I'm going to explain to Emilija about her being abandoned by her birth mother/birth parents. I've never tried to paint a pretty picture of it because I know there isn't one. I hope her mother grieved when she left her but I'm sure she felt ashamed that she had given birth to a girl who was missing an ear and had a cleft lip/palate. If she only knew how absolutely beautiful her daughter was before and after the repair. That's what I saw when I looked at her referral photo with the gaping hole in her lip. She was beautiful and I shed many tears when I saw her photo (as I am doing now too!)
Her lip and her palate have been repaired. She can hear with the help of a hearing aid. She's a happy, giggly, smiley little girl who brings so much joy to our lives. Even when she's getting into trouble!
My biggest dilemma is that I am the mom of two adopted kids - one whose birth mother I know and stay in contact with and another whose history I know nothing about. I don't know how easy or hard it is going to be to explain to both kids why we know one's parents and the others we don't.
I am in total agreement with you that these are MY children. And as T said biology is the least of what makes us parents.
I agree totally.
My plan is to be honest with Mia. Which means there will be a lot of "I'm sorry honey but I just don't know" answers to some of her tough questions. I'll present it as sensitively as I can ..but I won't make up fairy tales.
This is the first post I read and I must say I totally agree with you!! I have twin girls from Thailand and YES they are totally MINE, and we don't talk often about the Bmother, although she is always in my mind and I am very grateful to her. My girls were adopted at 3 months, so they don't remember anything. Are this month 8 and such a blessing in our lives!!
well said. I especially liked the last statement.. You are the love that sustains them!
Hi..as a grandma to a precious 3 yr old from China, I can say "Amen" to what you wrote. I have another Jasmine granddaughter (age 17) and the translation of my little one's Chinese name is Jasmine. Her nickname in the orphanage was LiLi and this was the nickname of her grandfather when he was little. Our child? YES indeed. Thanks again Grandma B.
David & I don't paint any pretty pictures for Erin about her bio parents. She's never asked &/or said anything, but either way we don't know the truth behind her story & probably never will.
We are doing the best we can by our children. Isn't that what a real parent does though?
Hugs!
I agree with you whole-heartedly. Ruby is MY baby and my heart and soul. We are so new at this and wonder sometimes about exactly what we will say and how. I have told her the story just a few times cause she is so young and doesn't quite get it all yet. She is not much interested in it or her book of photos from the orphanage and I don't push it. I have been thinking about the birthmother this week as it's Ruby's birthday, but really I don't think about her most days. Most days I just think I am the luckiest mom on the planet to wake up each morning and hold my beautiful daughter. MY beautiful daughter.
Kerri could not be more "ours" had we given birth to her, so we totally get it. And I cannot see why anyone would want to flame you on this post. I don't believe in lying or sugar coating anything either, we have been very honest with Kerri. It is not the easy route, but it is the right one for Kerri. It would be so much easier to lie and sugar coat!
I completely agree. Briana is definitely MY daughter. It is so hard because there are no answers for our children. I'm not going to sugar coat things for Briana because I obviously don't know why she was given up by her birth parents. I won't be harsh toward her birth parents, but I'm not going to tell her how wonderful they are either because I just don't know anything about them.
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