Stopped

Each passing year, as she gets older, Lily's opinions regarding her adoption change and her thoughts become much deeper. It doesn't surprise me that around the time of her birthday we always end up talking about her birth mother because I know we are both thinking of her. I am just glad that she comes to me with those thoughts.

I think of her birth mother and wonder the circumstances surrounding Lily's birth, I wonder if ....well I wonder many many things. Like most of us in this community I hope that in some way, somehow, she knows that Lily has the life that she wanted for her but knew she could never offer. I would love for her to know how loved she is, how amazing she is, how funny, smart and courageous. She must get the courageous part from her because to offer your child to another Mother is the most courageous act there is.

I hope that when Lily thinks of her it isn't only pain and longing that touches her heart. Two days ago we were talking and Lily told me that she is thankful that she was adopted because she knows what her life would be like if she still lived in China. She also said something that stopped me dead in my tracks: Mummy, if I was 11 and still in the orphanage and I was told I was being adopted it would bother me to go to an inter-racial family. It would be so hard.

 Really? Why? She explained that everything she had ever known would be gone and at 11 it would be so hard to take on a new culture. She also said that she hated it when kids in her class teased her for being in a mixed family when she was in 1st and 2nd grade. I knew about the teasing, we addressed it. I think it is amazing to see things from her viewpoint. I now get to see, 3 years later, just how difficult it was to go through  the teasing even though it was never very intense and only involved a couple of kids. Certain kids always stuck up for her. But it hurt and she would hate to come into that at this age not even speaking the language. She said she would hate to stay in an orphanage and never have a family but to move to a different country would be horrible.

Her little mind never stops. I know it is at peace but the Mother in me needs to know she is fine. I want to do everything I can for her. Now with the DNA testing we can get one step closer to knowing her past. She is so excited about it but also very wary so we are choosing to wait. I will do what I have always done and that is follow her lead. When and if she is ready then we will move forward.

I will never know be able to fully comprehend what goes through her mind. I will never stop her from feeling. This is all part of who she is. I can only show her how to live the life that someone else gave her.