Families ARE Forever.

Shortly after Rosie started to talk she would say the same thing to us when one of us left the house and she was staying behind. She never faltered and she was very serious, she would say, and still does, "you come back see me again?" We would and do always tell her that we will come back. We tell her we love her and that we are a family and that families are forever or words similar to those. It wasn't long before she added this phrase to her list, "don't leave me". This one was harder to hear as her face when she says it is quite frankly filled with anguish and worry. Again we tell her we will never leave her.

This is all part of Rosie, part of what makes her, her. It is something that she has to work through, with our help of course and something that hopefully one day will fade into the recesses of her memory bank and stay there and not resurface every single time she goes to bed or someone leaves the house or a myriad of other daily events occur to rock her foundation.

I know I have mentioned her abandonment issues before here but they just don't disappear they linger and when you least expect them they resurface or as is the case with Rosie they never get laid to rest even for a day. It must be so exhausting spending your life worrying about whether your parents are coming back. I remember as a child being taught by nuns at a convent and at 6pm the grandfather clock would strike and if the doorbell didn't ring at the exact same time I was panic stricken. I was petrified that my father was not going to come and get me and that I would have to stay there in the convent with Sister Vincent. I knew he would come but each second there was torture for me, I truly hated it and the nuns. They spanked my fingers with a ruler if I fidgeted. As much as I knew I would go home to my parents I was petrified of that place, my fear was associated to a place not my parents ever leaving me. (BTW we aren't even Catholic so this was really over the top!)

We now know that Lily plays a pivotal role in how Rosie is doing. Lily is her rock. When she is around all is well in Rosie's world. They don't stick to each other like glue when they are home and sometimes they fight like cats and dogs and even want to do things separately but when Lily has been around all day for a few days and she then returns to school it upsets Rosie.

Tonight all was well. We have spent a great day together. Rosie had a pajama party at school and once Lily came home and homework was done all sorts of fun was unleashed. That is our usual routine. Routine is also key with Rosie, she needs to know what is going to happen next. After dinner I mentioned that it was time to go and get in the bath and get ready for bed. Rosie stopped dead in her tracks looked up at me with big sad eyes and said, "don't leave me when I am sleeping". I picked her up and looked in her eyes and told her I would never do that. I told her I will never leave her. I might take her to school like I do Lily but I would go and get her just like Lily. What she said next literally left me shaking, she said, "you left me in China". I told her from the very second she was handed to Daddy Lily and I we have never left her but she insisted that she was left in China!

This is not something that she knows about. China is still just a word to her and it holds no meaning or so I thought. I asked her who left her but she just buried her head in my chest and didn't answer. I didn't push it but I really wanted to. The questions were lining up in my head as fast as machine gun fire. We sat on the floor with me explaining how we will never leave her when she is sleeping and then just as fast as the moment came it was gone but for me this is a scar, a scar that comes from Rosie being hurt. Somehow, somewhere she does remember something....but what? Hopefully now the words will come and she can say what it is that scared her so very badly

Yes I am fully aware that there are many parents of biological children whose children don't want to be left alone or left at school, I know this happens. It happens frequently but there is a difference between separation anxiety, (which to a point is healthy and normal ) and abandonment issues.

We carried Rosie almost everywhere we went for nearly a year. We used carriers or our arms because the stroller was just to much distance for her in a strange place and caused her to much distress. One time I used a stroller under duress and remember looking down and seeing that she had pulled her blanket over her face. She couldn't handle it so she hid.

Yes, it is easy to read into normal behaviour and sometimes misconstrue it as adoption "stuff" but that is where being informed and educating yourself comes into play. Alot of what I see from her is typical 2/3 yr old behaviour and I am not about to put up with a temper tantrum over not getting your own way but it is the other stuff that we as her family see that you don't see that makes us realise that she, our little peanut, has a hurt in her heart and it is still being fixed.

Tomorrow is another day and we will approach it with our shoulders back and our fighting stance at the ready.

Our Little Girl Is Hurting, All Over Again.

I still cannot believe that something as mundane as Lily starting school again has upset Rosie as much as it has. Lily has been attending school since Rosie came home so it isn't as if this is a new development in her life but it is one that has truly unnerved our baby girl and bought all her abandonment issues front and centre once again. She is hurting.

For the first couple of days we thought she just missed her sister, plain and simple but it is more than that. She feels as if Lily is gone. And even though Lily comes back every single day it isn't helping her. Now when one of us leaves the house Rosie asks the same question, "you come back see me again?". This isn't a normal question. She isn't sleeping properly and she won't allow Lily to get close to her physically even though that is what she craves more than anything.

So we are back to attachment and bonding boot camp around here. I am just so thankful that we know what is going on and that we have friends that understand this process and what our baby girl and us are going through because not even our family understands completely.

Rosie will be fine. Lily is being an angel and understands just as much as she can for a 7 year old what is going on with her sister and is showing her the patience of a saint. This morning Rosie wouldn't kiss her goodbye and as I drove away from the school in the car Rosie screamed, "I want mine big Lily." Urghhhhh....make up your mind, oh that's right, you just can't right now! Lily now has cues and when she hears them she has to say certain things to Rosie.

These issues can come and go they don't just magically resolve themselves. They do get better and one day we hope they won't be a problem. Now that Rosie can talk we are fortunate because she tells us what is bothering her and that is how we know this is an attachment issue and not just a case of missing Lily. Oh how I wish I knew everything that had happened to these daughters of mine in the time that they lived in China. I wish for that all the time but I will never have the answer to that so I have to keep on treading water and filling in the blanks the best I can.

It will be OK baby girl, we have walked this slippery slope with you before and we will walk it for many, many more years that much we know. We will never ever falter because you are our daughter and our sister and we love you and we are a family and families, my sweet little girl, are forever.

Just remember life is a dance.