The Memories Will Never Fade

How can it be that 7 years ago today the world was changed?

We were a childless couple in Hubei, China and had woken up after a night that offered very little sleep and were fighting a serious case of butterflies and nerves. We offered each other reassuring looks and hugs, but we both new that we wanted this more than we had wanted anything else but we were scared, bone scared. What if she hated us? What if she rejected us for months? What if she had RAD? No, no, it would be fine, we were prepared, we had planned for the worst and hoped for the best, yes, that is what we had done. Meetings, books, research, you name it. What if when we got there, there wasn't a baby for us because the government had changed their minds? Now that, that was our biggest fear of all. We had waited so long, jumped through so many hoops, been probed in so many orifices, orifices that were so still so raw, oh god I thought I was going to be sick. maybe a few more tears and I would be able to hold it together. All these emotions and at the very same time I wanted to run up to the roof and yell, I AM GOING TO SEE MY BABY TODAY, TOUCH HER, SMELL HER, HOLD HER. I was a hot mess and so was her daddy.

No time for tears suddenly our room was a gathering place for our group. Our guide was telling us to be ready and downstairs at 2pm and we would head to the civil affairs office to meet our babies. Smiles everywhere and chatter all you could hear was chatter but I needed quiet, time to process what was said.

On the bus as we approached "that building" silence prevailed and the closer we got the quieter we got and by the time we arrived you could hear a pin drop. Then we all scurried out of the bus all of us talking to our respective partners and I remember saying to Jacob, as he video taped me, "4 years, and it all comes down to this very moment". I took a photo of the building and we walked inside holding hands and grinning like schoolkids. The second we got inside the heat hit me. It was stifling. We were ushered into an elevator and we didn't all fit and I do not remember if we were the first group or the second but we all met up again and headed to the room. We could hear babies, our babies. Oh my gosh one of those babies was Lily, unless they had changed their minds, no, don't think like that she was there! One little girl walked out to meet us, it turned out to Sonja, Lily's China sister. We walked into the room and Kathy, our guide asked us to be seated. I remember, placing the diaper bag and gifts down and then just listening to her and the "official" talk. They talked for so long and their words were endless. Would they ever stop. I couldn't concentrate. The official would speak first and then Kathy would translate. I wasn't listening, not because I didn't want to but because I was incapable of. I knew I needed to, they were explaining how the process would unfold. I begged my mind and brain to cooperate but it refused. Thankfully Jacob appeared to be cognitive.

Something changed and everyone was applauding. First a man stood up, he was the director of an orphanage where 2 of the babies were from, next Mrs Li stood up, thankfully I caught this part as she was Lily's orphanage director. I applauded along with the others and it brought me back into the present. The heat was oppressive but it didn't matter because in seconds nothing else at all would matter. The Ayi's started to file into the room holding the babies and one by one they called the families to the front. I scanned the crowd and then I saw her. Dear God the world changed at that second. Nothing has been the same since and nothing has had the same significance. I listened for Kathy to say our names and then I heard it, "Jacobdawncope", just one word changed my life forever. Jacob took our baby onto his arms and his eyes filled with tears. He gazed from her to me and back. I stared at her. I wanted too smother her in love but knew i would scare her even more than she already was so I kissed my finger and stroked her face.

Li, Yu Ni was worried, She looked around for her Nanny, the person she had only known for 2 days but alas the only person she knew. She was leaving and Yu Ni was sad. It was heartbreaking to watch the tears spill from her eyes. We tried to comfort her. We knew her heart was breaking but at the same time we we elated, finally our dreams had come true. I knew at that moment that there is such a thing as love at first sight.

Adoption, at least adoption from China, is heartbreaking, there is no grace period to get to know the babies, just a handoff. Your dream come true is their worst nightmare. It resembles kidnapping when you actually stop and think about it, so don't!

Lily cried, big tears and we comforted her or at least we tried. At some point we went back down to the bus and Lily fell asleep all snuggled up on Jacob's shoulder. She finally decided to allow herself to get close-ish. Her next few hours were confusing, of course. They were confusing for us to. Does she need food yet, should we try a bottle again, oh my gosh should we ever put her down, no we must keep holding her, should we see if she wants a toy yet? On and on with the should we's. Poor child was a test project or at least I am sure that is how it felt. Her first few days were a daze. She slept a lot. Her coping mechanism was sleep. She was opening up and smiling, eating and doing all the things that babies do but you could see in her face she was wearing a mask. Our agency was fabulous, right there every single step.

As we look back on those first few days Lily was a champ it was us who were not. The biggest mistake we made was being first time parents but nothing could have changed that!

We made it, all 3 of us, and Lily thrived and has turned into who she is today partly because of us and those faltering first few days. Because of her we are who we are today and I wouldn't change being a parent for anything. I love it from the bottom of my toes to the top of my sometimes frazzled head.

Lily's Referral photo

Lily on Gotcha Day 2003

Lily's first anniversary of Gotcha day. Some the families flew out to Seattle for a reunion and here she is with her China Sisters.

Lily is trying to escape and has a heart on her shirt.

One of my all time favourite photos of Lily. I LOVE her smile. It is from Nov 2004 when she met her Grandpa for the very first time and she just beamed from the first time she set eyes on him.