4 Jan 2012

I need a wife

I am looking for a good woman. It came to my attention at some un-Godly hour this morning, that I need a wife. I don't really want a clone of myself because I possess some qualities that are not exactly stellar so I decided the easiest way around this problem is to find me a wife!

She needs to be similar to me and have the following abilities:
~ She has to be great under pressure.
~ Able to organise utter chaos.
~Do at least five different things at once.
~ Be able to magically make lost items reappear whilst standing at the front door, with car keys in hand, waiting to depart.
~ Must have the brain capacity to keep a mental note of all birthdays, anniversaries, doctors appointments, dentist appointments, opthamology appointments, extracurricular activities, special occasions and parties for the next 2 months.
~ Must be a planner. In other words know exactly what is happening for the next 6 months. At All Times.
~ Cannot ever show that she is confused or the whole family will crumble like a house of cards
~ When thrown a curveball must be able to reschedule everything with out anyone being any the wiser.
~ Must be able to see through doors and wall and yell, change your shirt, it's cold outside without actually seeing said shirt on person.
~ May NEVER get sick.
~ Must understand that changes happen and one must just roll with them and not run around in a panic saying, "what do you mean they need hot lunches today!"
~ Be able to see a speck of dirt on the floor from 50 yds away
~ Clean up said speck of dirt without being asked to do so.
~ Must realise that the children have a bedtime for a reason and that giving them chocolate 10 minutes before they are meant to go to sleep, is NOT a bright plan.
~ Make greeting cards magically appear right before my eyes so that all I have to do is sign my name on them. They will then magically take themselves to the PO
~ Pretend to be a laundry fairy. I just have to wear my clothes for a few minutes, drop them in my hamper and ta-da they will suddenly reappear looking gorgeous in my wardrobe.
~ Locate my husbands, keys, phone, pen, bluetooth, work I.D.'s from the place where he just looked but couldn't find them.
~ Locate my phone, keys etc when I put them down to go and hunt for Hubby's.
~ Take out the trash on the correct night.
~ Remember every.single.important.date.in.history and remember all our old addresses from the last 25 years. That's 13 houses.
~ Not flinch when the kids come running into the house with blood spurting from somewhere.
~ Never be afraid to utter the words, Please don't lick your sisters bottom, or other phrases just as shocking.
~ It doesn't matter how last minute the invitation you received is, she has to be able to pull it all together at a moments notice.
~ and finally, I never want to see her sweat. Seriously, who wants a sweaty wife!

If you know anyone looking for a job like this, just send her my number!


val said...

You mean you can't do all those things???

La-La-Liene said...

When you find her ask her if she has a sister like her or knows someone who can do all that stuff for me too!

My only addition to the list is deal with vomit and other ungodly smells without starting to gag and dry heave because she has a nose and a stomach that can handle anything. It is honestly so bad for me because of my heightened sense of smell that I have thrown up clear liquid from trying to clean up vomit, poop and various other nasty smelling things. Lane usually ends up doing it because I can't.

Tammie said...

Ah! Now I see what I'm missing. I too need a wife!

Andie said...

I'm looking for a good man, but we can all dream!!!

Maci Miller said...

haha.that! My personal fav was NEVER get sick. Seriously. When a man gets sick it's like the whole word is ending. When a woman is sick, the show must go on whilst the husband looks at you like you are just wanting to eat bon bons on the couch. *Sigh* If you find said wife. Please clone her for all your friends. :-)

Vivian M said...

Let me know when you find one. Good luck.


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