I need a wife

I am looking for a good woman. It came to my attention at some un-Godly hour this morning, that I need a wife. I don't really want a clone of myself because I possess some qualities that are not exactly stellar so I decided the easiest way around this problem is to find me a wife!

She needs to be similar to me and have the following abilities:

~ She has to be great under pressure.

~ Able to organise utter chaos.

~Do at least five different things at once.

~ Be able to magically make lost items reappear whilst standing at the front door, with car keys in hand, waiting to depart.

~ Must have the brain capacity to keep a mental note of all birthdays, anniversaries, doctors appointments, dentist appointments, opthamology appointments, extracurricular activities, special occasions and parties for the next 2 months.

~ Must be a planner. In other words know exactly what is happening for the next 6 months. At All Times.

~ Cannot ever show that she is confused or the whole family will crumble like a house of cards

~ When thrown a curveball must be able to reschedule everything with out anyone being any the wiser.

~ Must be able to see through doors and wall and yell, change your shirt, it's cold outside without actually seeing said shirt on person.

~ May NEVER get sick.

~ Must understand that changes happen and one must just roll with them and not run around in a panic saying, "what do you mean they need hot lunches today!"

~ Be able to see a speck of dirt on the floor from 50 yds away

~ Clean up said speck of dirt without being asked to do so.

~ Must realise that the children have a bedtime for a reason and that giving them chocolate 10 minutes before they are meant to go to sleep, is NOT a bright plan.

~ Make greeting cards magically appear right before my eyes so that all I have to do is sign my name on them. They will then magically take themselves to the PO

~ Pretend to be a laundry fairy. I just have to wear my clothes for a few minutes, drop them in my hamper and ta-da they will suddenly reappear looking gorgeous in my wardrobe.

~ Locate my husbands, keys, phone, pen, bluetooth, work I.D.'s from the place where he just looked but couldn't find them.

~ Locate my phone, keys etc when I put them down to go and hunt for Hubby's.

~ Take out the trash on the correct night.

~ Remember every.single.important.date.in.history and remember all our old addresses from the last 25 years. That's 13 houses.

~ Not flinch when the kids come running into the house with blood spurting from somewhere.

~ Never be afraid to utter the words, Please don't lick your sisters bottom, or other phrases just as shocking.

~ It doesn't matter how last minute the invitation you received is, she has to be able to pull it all together at a moments notice.

~ and finally, I never want to see her sweat. Seriously, who wants a sweaty wife!

If you know anyone looking for a job like this, just send her my number!