I, by nature, am a worrier. It's my job and I am pleased to say I do it exceptionally well. Up until now I have been fine with this adoption and have taken it all in my stride but this months referrals have done my head in. I have started to worry about whether it will happen. My head is filled with what if's.
What if China closes it's doors to international adoption? What if we have to redo the paperwork again? What if we have to wait another 12 months and what will we do if this process suddenly stops how will we ever deal with that huge loss. On and on my mind races. I dread anyone asking me anything about the process in fear that I freak out on them.
Most of the stuff is totally irrational but I can't help myself. Last night I layed in bed with my mind racing in every direction. I had conversations with myself about how we would tell Lily that her sister was never going to happen and ways to help her deal with it. I have some lovely and fetching black circles under my eyes today as a result of that marathon worry fest.
During our wait for Lily I never felt like this. Mind you I didn't have blogs to keep my occupied or yahoo groups to read and fill my head with gossip. I just sailed along with my head in the sand, knowing that after 12-14 months we would finally have a baby girl and we did. At no point did we ever feel this uncertain even when the SARS outbreak happened and we couldn't travel.
We now have a room that is all ready to go and I leave the door shut as it is a constant reminder of a very real and very sore wound in my heart. Sure, it still needs some work, some personalization, but there it sits ready for a baby who just is not here and won't be here... until. Until when? I just hope with every fibre of my being that the next set of referrals includes a lot more days.
Stay tuned for my regular antics to resume tomorrow but that is what is heavy on my mind at the moment and now that it is on paper it perhaps won't haunt my brain and mind so frequently.
17 comments:
This totally stinks!! It will happen though. This I can say without equivocation. It is going to be a lot longer than you dreamed but Lily will have her sister.
Sending you huge hugs!!
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way - you are certainly not alone in your thoughts - not that that helps you any.
We will be here for you waiting with you and celebrating your referral with you!!
With this 2 day referral batch, I had my very FIRST thought of "what if this doesn't happen". My faith had never waivered before. But I thought it too. Just for a minute. Hang in there. We're all in this together. And we'll get our girls home....eventually.
My dear, those thoughts weigh heavily on the minds of many others. I am sorry that you lost sleep over it! I am sure you are gorgeous even with the dark circles.
Like Krista said, I asked myself What if this does not happen? My suredness in this does not waver. But it is hard to squelch those fears esp. when 2 days comes out.
I flip flop from day to day. Luckily I know that you and others are there to share this journey with. Your family is lovely and will only be more so when your little one is home with you.
Keep smilin!
You know - I was worried too - I actually emailed our sw today when I heard all this 24-30 month crud. She said the same thing - they are still holding to 15-16 months from our LID - and I am sure you are less than that - I am hoping she is right - I hear you though - those same thoughts plague me as well.
I am right along side you...I too wonder if it is ever going to happen...are Ray and I ever going to be blessed enough to be parents??? We will haven't even entered the review room...I know these thoughts I keep having are probably baseless, but I do feel somewhat better knowing I am not the only worrier here....
I should have a degree in worry! I am also a worrier. This is no exception. I have had the same thoughts go through my head hundreds of times, what if...
If this adoption doesn't happen it will be my last chance to be a mom. After years of infertility and then this I would be finished. I couldn't lay my heart out there again. Therefore I have come to try and remind myself every day that this adoption WILL happen. It will.
A woman at our agency told me that they think this next batch will be really small, but then after that things will start to even out. From what she told me the person who was logging in docuements back in October of '05 was new. They stock piled a huge batch of dossiers. That is one of the reasons for such a small referral batch. I guess in reality the dates were small but 800 - 1,000 babies were matched.
I don't know if that helps any. It helped me when she told me. I don't know if it's a rumor or not, that is why I didn't post about it. I don't want to spread rumors. I just hope it gives you a little peace.
HUGS!
I am so sorry you are having a hard time right now. You are close my friend.....hang in there a few more months. We will all walk this journey together. And I can't wait to watch you in China with you new little daughter. The only rumors I am listening to are from my agency. I do not believe China will close their doors to us. It's all going to be ok....you are in my thoughts this morning....
all I can say is hang in there and know that you are not alone in these thoughts.
we all seem to be in the same boat....
It is very easy to feel this way right now with all of the craziness. We'll all get through this. It may take a little longer than we initially thought but I am confident that our daughters will come home.
It's the same struggle that we all have going on inside our heads. The unknown is very scary but I'll see it thru to the end....come what may.
Hopefully all those if's will be filled with a joyous celebration!
I am a total worrier too! try to just hang in there!
BTW, check out my blog...you have been nominated!!
Maybe we can start a club for people who love to worrie.A blogging support group.
I too love to worrie wu=ith the what if's. I just yesterday started a new job and was worried about if I have done the right thing. My first day went great and I felt the presence of God walking beside me all day.He will be with you too and put your mind at ease.
Our God is very mighty and we must place our worries before him and he will carry us in our darkest and most trying times. Hand in there and you will have this little gift from God very soon.
Big cyber hugs.
Deb
I'm sorry you're going through all this. I really am.
I hope you are feeling better, Dawn.
I can't imagine going thru this horrific wait. SOOOOO much different than the first time around, but I have faith that your sweet day WILL come and we will all rejoice with you!!!!!
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