I am sure that somewhere buried in the archives of this blog is a post that is pretty much the same as this one as I know I have told this story before.
When we entered the point in our lives where we knew adoption was right for us we carefully and I mean, oh so very carefully, selected an agency. I am the type of person that researches dishwashers so you can imagine the scrutiny that I put perspective adoption agencies under. The list was narrowed down fast, really fast. Three were left standing, out of about 50. It took me months to do this. Being a Brit I even went internationally to check out agencies over there. Finally WACAP stood at the top of the pile. They were out of state but this was a non issue. When we called in a social worker, (read after months of scrutiny and interviews) she groaned when she found out what agency we were using because they required so much more paperwork that all the others. This is why we choose them, they are thorough, very very thorough. I am obsessive and I need someone as diligent as I.
Oh the paperwork, the questions, the forms, the trips to the doctor, the notary, the bank not to mention the immigration headaches! Now it was our turn to be scrutinized. WACAP wanted to be certain we knew what we were getting into. Of course we did! Did we realise this and that about institutionalized children? ehh, yes sort of. Sort of? Sort of wasn't good enough they needed us read this, read that, talk to this person and that person, and finally fill out a bazillion forms. Finally we were in the program and our dossier was logged in.
We read about bonding and attachment, read about orphanages, read about developmental delays, read just about anything we could get our hands on. Who am I kidding? I read and told Hubby! We waited forever, or so it seemed at the time, along with our families, for our perfect, and healthy little girl and on July 3rd 2003 we finally saw her face. For us it was love at first sight. All our fears melted away and we had the most beautiful daughter in the whole wide world. (we still feel this way)
We were finally able to hold her in our arms on August 26th 2003. She was scared, terrified in fact. We were giddy, in love in fact. For the first time in years our world was the right side up and hers was upside down. Our dream come true was her biggest nightmare. Her cries as she realised her Nanny was leaving were heart breaking. I realised what was happening but for that moment I was only holding my daughter, taking her in, smelling her sweetness, and kissing her for the first time. I knew she was in pain but for that one tiny little second I was selfish. I "came to" quickly and her needs came first. Skin to skin contact, lots of time in our arms, eye contact all the stuff we had been told by our agency. Her needs were our first priority and nothing was going to ever come between us and what she needed. Of all the things I had read the conference call with WACAP's social worker was the most helpful information I had found/received for the first few days. It was priceless.
Her first night she slept like a champ, in the morning we got the face, the one that says," Oh no, you fruitcakes are still here? This wasn't all a bad dream?" and she cried again. Outwardly she was fine but she was protecting herself and was starting to close down emotionally. No one was home, just this little baby girl in a shell of a body. after a few days she started to rally round. We never put her in a stroller to begin with we always held her. She started to giggle and grin and then she started to babble.
The night we got home with her it was really late and she was asleep in her carseat. We carried her and the carseat into the house and propped her against the couch. When she woke up she hopped out of her seat and literally took off running. She ran from room to room, laughing and smiling. It was the most peculiar thing, it was as if she could tell she was finally home. The next 6 weeks we spent under self imposed house arrest. No big trips, just the store for necessities, no outings and if people wanted to meet her they had to come to us. That way they would leave us and Lily would get used to the idea of people coming and going but she never left, she always remained in the same place with us. The other golden rule that we refused to break was "nobody gets to touch or hold or feed the baby...NOBODY". That upset a few people but we had to make her learn that we were the ones who were there for her, we would comfort her and give her what she needed. She had to learn to trust us for everything she wanted.
It all paid off. Lily is a Rockstar. She is 7 now, almost 8. She is smart, funny, outgoing and an absolute daredevil. A fabulous big sister and the best daughter a mother could have. Her daddy will tell you the same if you ask him!
It wasn't long before we started the process all over again. This time we found Rosie as opposed to her finding us. Due to Rosie having a heart defect she was on our agencies waiting child list, or SN ( special needs) list. This time we really had to jump through some hoops with WACAP. Make a resource plan, visit a trillion experts in the medical field that pertains to your childs SN, convince us to 100th degree that you are capable of this and that you ARE the right family for this baby girl. They were on our side and they were fabulous. Before we knew it, well not quite before we knew it cos we counted down every single day and Lily was about to explode with anticipation at the thought of meeting her mei mei we were on that long plane ride again, heading back to China to fill the hole in our hearts that only this baby girl could fill.
Oh that moment all over again. The tears, this time the tears were 1.000 times worse. Rosie was in a Half The Sky orphanage and she truly didn't want to leave it. She cried so much our group referred to her as the screamer in the group. She was truly devastated. It didn't matter what we tried she wasn't going to stop at least not for a few hours. We followed the protocol that we used with her sissy. It took longer but it worked. Lily was her fast friend and I came in second. Daddy was not very welcome but he was fine after the initial shock of leaving my arms. As the days passed she came around, in her own time of course. She was fragile and not because of her heart. Her personality was fragile. Big tears could flood those tiny eyes at any given second. Oh my aching heart it was so sad. The big sister was a champ with her and Mummy and Daddy followed Rosies cues. My cousin accompanied us on this trip and she stayed at arms length. Rosie did not respond to any noise for 2 days. She started to convince all of us, even our guide, that she was deaf. No worries we can deal with it. Whatever it is she is ours and we will love her no matter what. Her chest was slightly deformed and we were not sure if this was due to her heart or not but it made no difference to us, other than if it was caused by her heart then her condition was going to be ALOT more serious than her medical records presented but again...it is what it is.
Once we finally made it home her special needs became quite obvious. A very mild heart condition and a big case of attachment issues. Our poor baby girl was hurting. Her emotional heart was hurting and there was no surgery in the world that could fix that. About 2 weeks after we got home Rosie still wasn't sleeping and it was not just the jet lag, we were missing something. Something was wrong with our little one and she was not a happy little girl. Sure she smiled but she was not able to relax. We were all sleep deprived and I don't know about you but I do not do my best thinking on 45 minutes of sleep a night. crazy I know. I thought about ringing Barb. our SW but decided that WACAP was the place to turn. I rang them chatted for a few minutes with Mary Ann and that night Rosie slept for 14 hours straight. They knew what to do, what to try and they were correct. I blogged about it but I am not about to search the archives looking for it but it was March 08. Lots of time and love and stability later and we have put many of her demons to rest. Some still show up and we fight them together. Yes, Rosie was a special needs child but it wasn't her medical needs that have caused her so many tears but her emotional needs.
Rosie is 3 now and taking the world by the horns. Her heart is condition was fixed by a fabulous team of doctors and her broken heart is still healing. We still have some rules in place regarding who gets to be close to Rosie and we follow her lead and she lets in who she can. Most people don't see what we see, the scared, anxious side of her, she saves the best for us. She learnt very quickly to turn to us for comfort and for that we are so very thankful.
The problem with having children is that from the second you become a parent your heart magically moves to the outside of your body and you watch it move around and get hurt before your very eyes in the form of your children and it hurts so darned much.
It truly saddened me yesterday when I realised that I was going to have to say something to Lily about this little boy and his plight because I was worried that one of the kids in school might say something to her because they all know she is adopted. We had been making sure we kept her away from this story as we didn't want to scare her or worry her as it is our job to protect her but as I thought about it, it would be scarier to hear about it from school or have some dingbat make a nasty comment about her being sent back than hearing it from us. All the talk about families are forever blah blah blah and now I am explaining how this woman decided hers was not forever and put the kid on a plane. Thankfully Miss Smarty pants got it and realises she is not going anywhere as this family truly is forever.
Ours was a typical adoption story but now it is just a typical, "and they all lived happily ever after" story. When I am asked if the girls are adopted I say, "No they are not, they were. Now they are just Lily and Rosie."
Will there ever come a day when I don't have to explain my family to someone....oh gosh I really hope so. Will I ever stop advocating adoption...not a chance!
I have such a beautiful family and you can too, just open up your heart.
5 comments:
Amazing post Dawn!
What a well written post. I agree with you 100%. Thank you for sharing!
Wow. Well said. So great for you to share. Smart and brave of you to tell Lily before someone at school did. So glad she handled it well. But then, that is because you are great parents and she feels loved and secure. Good for you, Momma!
Thanks for sharing!
http://dori-love.blogspot.com/
You tell the truth, how it really is. Glad to have someone like you advocating for our children!
Alyzabeth's Mommy
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